I’ve tried, believe me, I’ve tried. I’ve tried forgiving those who have done me harm; those who have scarred me deeply but it never seemed to last. The hurt, rage and resentment always returned in full force and I would feel guilty every time. It meant that I didn’t truly forgive like I was supposed to. It meant I was trapped, I wouldn’t be able to move on with my life. I’ve since developed very different point of view.

Over the years there has been no remorse, no attempt to make amends, no apology, no act of contrition from anyone and so I do not believe they deserve forgiveness of any kind. It has taken countless hours of different types of therapies to shift my thinking and I feel so much better.

The hurt, rage and resentment don’t eat away at me or cause me to be a bitter and angry person. Oh sure, I have bad days but when I do I am generally able to distract myself, write about it or talk it out with my therapist or partner. I don’t hold on to those feelings for long. I allow myself to experience them, I comfort myself and then get on with my day. And I don’t feel the least bit guilty about not being able to forgive.

Not being able to forgive isn’t the same as being without compassion. It isn’t entirely so-and-so’s fault they grew up to be they way they are any more than it is entirely my fault I grew up to be the way I am (we are all, however, responsible for our own healing as adults). It’s that compassion that frees me from being a slave to the hurt, rage and resentment. It’s that compassion that allows me to move on with my life.

This is a proverb, I don’t recall from where, but what I do know is that death is as much a part of life as birth. I very recently received word that my cousin’s husband passed away as well as three of my uncles and one friend.

I had never met my cousin’s husband but I was still sorry for her loss. One uncle I didn’t really care much for, in fact, apathy was the kindest emotion I could drum up. My other two uncles were very good to me as a child and throughout my teenage years. I was saddened to hear of their passing.

An old and dear friend of mine passed away suddenly and unexpectedly just a few weeks ago. She was the type of friend who would tell you the (ugly at times) truth and give you her honest opinion. She did so gently, kindly and with love. She was only a couple of years older than me which confirmed my own mortality. I miss my friend.

The deaths of my friend and family members are a stark reminder that life is short and you don’t always get a chance to say good-bye. I admit that this is the main reason I started talking to my parents again, however infrequently. How I feel about them is complicated, to say the least, however, that doesn’t mean I don’t love or care about them. My life would feel less complicated if I didn’t give a rat’s ass… But I digress…

The older I get the more I notice time is no longer on my side, that’s a luxury reserved for the very young.

I don’t know if you’ve ever tried holding space for someone to just be, regardless of the discomfort or pain it may bring. It’s hard, really fucking hard.

My son has talked to me about feeling abandoned as a child and recalled the time I went over the line as a parent. I forced a bar of soap into his mouth for swearing. The feeling of abandonment comes from a time when I asked their (his and my daughter’s) father to come get them. I was having a difficult time with the mastectomy and reconstruction, and my boyfriend at the time beat me up in front of my toddler children. It’s a long story, the short end of it is that their father was supposed to give the kids back once I was better and more settled, he never did. But I digress…

My relationship with my son has been strained for a long time, since he was sixteen. He stopped visiting and didn’t really stay in touch. He moved around some and communication has been sparse at best. It’s just been in this last year or so that he has been calling slightly more frequently or staying in touch via Messenger. It’s not always good.

He blew up at me just before New Year’s Eve because I refused to do something for him. I didn’t want to get involved in a squabble between him and someone else. He really went on the attack. His message was clearly full of anger but there was a lot pain too.

Instead of retaliating or even acknowledging that hurtful message, I let it be. I reached out to him New Year’s Day to say happy New Year and that I love him. A few days later he called me and asked how I could still say I love him after the mean and hurtful things he said. I told him that I love him unconditionally, and that I could see his pain and anger in his message. I recognized I wasn’t the mother he needed when he was younger and apologized for that. It was hard holding space for him and his feelings, they don’t shed the greatest of light on me as a mother, but they are valid.

Our conversation shifted and he was able to hear that I have some trauma of my own that I’m healing from, and that I brought my own trauma into how I parented him as a child. From there we were able to move on to other topics. I feel hopeful he will be in touch more frequently and we can build a better, healthier mother-son relationship as adults.

The surgery I had to correct my bladder leakage seems to have altogether failed, which has caused me no small amount of grief.

One night as my partner and I were getting intimate he discovered a bit of wire protruding into my vagina. At first I thought this wire was from my bladder sling from ten years ago but the urologist who did the surgery found that it was her suture. A suture meant to keep my new bladder sling in place. She believed the sling shifted and that could also be why it stopped working.

During her exam she discovered my uterine fibroids are putting a lot of pressure on my bladder which may be contributing to my urge incontinence issue. She is passing that information along to my OBGYN who will no doubt want to see me. I’m also pretty sure it will take a month or two to get an appointment. But I digress…

As for the issue at hand my urologist needed to explore…I got pretty lucky with appointments. I reported the issue to my urologist’s office on a Wednesday and had an appointment the following Tuesday. That almost never happens but there was a last minute cancellation.

It was at this appointment she discovered that her suture had moved. She said we would need to do surgery to see if she can correct it and she would maybe add a filler to bulk up my urethra, which should also help with the stress incontinence. I would have to wait until early January but she was going to put me on the OR schedule.

I started thinking that my Christmas would suck, I would be uncomfortable with this stupid wire hanging around in my vagina. I got a phone call this morning from her office. There was a cancellation for the OR for tomorrow morning due to covid. I was excited and terrified at the same time.

I arrived at the appointed day and time.as it turned out there was a miscommunication and I was on the schedule for the next day. I was told someone would call me with a new time. I received no phone call but I sill showed up first thing (6:00 am). I was then told it would be a while because I wasn’t on the schedule until 11:30 am. I was furious and my anxiety hit the roof! There would be no sense in complaining so I said nothing.

Thankfully, I ended up going straight in for the surgery but I can’t say I’m happy with the result. I have a urinary tract infection, so I have to take antibiotics, again. There was scar tissue forming around the new sling so it could not be moved but there is opportunity to do another sling in a few months, if need be. She did not bulk up my urethra, she wants wait and see how I do with the antibiotics and follow up in six weeks.

There’s nothing I can do but wait to hear back from her office and from my OBGYN’s office for appointments. I’m stressed, my nervous system is in overdrive and I need to calm it and try to stay smoke-free.

I recently lost an uncle to lung cancer. He didn’t know he had cancer until his lungs were full of it and it had metastasized to his bones. Oddly enough there was no pain.

I bring up this uncle because he was a heavy smoker for years and even though he quit a long time ago, the damage was likely already done. By the time they found the cancer he had days to live. Not weeks, months or years….just days. I don’t want to end up like him and there is a possibility I may.

In spite this knowledge and fear, I feel like I want to smoke. Isn’t that insane? I think about it all the time but I’ve stayed strong. It’s been two months since I quit, the physical cravings are gone but the mental symptoms of my stupid addiction are still there. It just goes to show how insidious this addiction is.

I use a lot of distractions to stay on the smoke-free wagon. I play with my puppy, take her for walks, work on something artistic, watch tv, play video games and smoke weed. I”m trying to not gain a ton of weight so I’m careful to not use food as a distraction too often.

So, I had my doctor’s appointment with my urologist. She echoed what my OBGYN stated which is that I still had a lot of healing to do and it is a little too early to say for sure if the surgery was as successful as I’d hoped. We also discussed some changes I’m making in my life.

Caffeine is not only a natural diuretic but it also irritates the bladder and I have cut back on that immensely. Instead of drinking two seven hundred and fifty-five millilitre bottles of Coke per day, plus my three or four coffees. I’m down to one, maybe two cups of coffee per day and maybe one small Coke per week, if that.

Weight is another contributing factor to incontinence and I have gained a lot over the last few years. I haven’t been overly active and I am a junk food junkie. I love my chocolate and my chips, both of which I have cut back on as well.

I’ve also become more active. I have a puppy to take care of and with her energy I have to take her out for walks and play time outside, even in the winter.

The doctor felt confident that with these changes and kegel exercises, I’ll be pretty well incontinence-free. I left the appointment feeling hopeful for the best results in due time. We’ll follow up in a few months time. She inspected my incision and she noted that it looked really good and there is no sign of any infection at all. This was a huge relief to me.

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