My son’s two children are three (girl) and five years old (boy) and live in a tiny grungy two bedroom apartment with their mother and the mother’s girlfriend. When I visited them, they looked like they hadn’t had a bath in days, the apartment was dirty and the mother and girlfriend looked even more unkept.

There was little food available for the children and most of was junk like canned spaghetti. I didn’t look in their fridge or anything I just noticed the food when the cupboard doors were opened. I also noticed how frequently the two women went out to smoke their weed, which isn’t free. My son has noted how much alcohol is in their house. Now, I have no issue with someone having a toke and a drink but you have to have the budget for it. Children should not have to go without proper nutrition just so the parents can smoke weed and get drunk.

My son tells me the children are often left alone when they are sleeping while the women visit their downstairs neighbour to drink and have sex. They take the baby monitor with them and think that’s enough. As if that weren’t bad enough, I’m told there are no smoke detectors in the apartment.

It’s the kind of situation where you hope Child Protection Services would get involved but at the same time don’t. The children deserve better and foster care is not always better. My son is working on getting into a position to take the kids himself. He is, however, prepared to call CPS as a last resort. Why don’t I call CPS myself? I didn’t notice a lack of smoke detectors, I haven’t seen her leave her children at home, I’m just going by what my son tells me, and, like I said, foster care isn’t always better.

Why don’t I take them? Honestly, I don’t have the financial means or physical ability to raise two children at this stage in my life. I haven’t got the stamina to keep up with them in addition to having chronic pain issues. Raising children is also mentally demanding and I am not in a place to meet that demand.

So I just got off the phone with my son. He is going through a break up with the mother of his two children and her girlfriend. For the sake of this article we’ll focus on the mother of my grandchildren and my son, and how their situation is highly triggering for me.

First, a little of my history. I was recovering from a double mastectomy and reconstructive surgery when I sent my children to live with their father. Added to the surgeries, my boyfriend at the time beat me up in front of my children. There was no way I could go back to the women’s shelter with the kids, which is where I went when I left ex-husband number one. I just couldn’t do it mentally so I sent the children to live with their father, it was supposed to be temporary but he conned me into signing something that basically gave him full custody.

Ex-husband number one was never one to show any interest in working. He and I survived on a monthly welfare check for the duration of our relationship. He was controlling, mentally abusive and very jealous. After I left he harassed me and played endless head games. They didn’t stop until the kids became adults and he could no longer manipulate them or use them as leverage.

I remained in Ontario for a few years after my children went to New Brunswick with their father. Whenever I visited it was so hard to leave my kids behind. I ultimately ended up moving to NB to be closer to them.

At present my son is staying with a friend in NB (I currently live in NS). He’s broke and hasn’t worked in a very long time. Until recently he was living out in the country with no vehicle so there wasn’t any opportunity for him to get a job. As a family unit he and his partner survived on a monthly welfare check. My son is currently looking for employment as he is now staying within the city.

My son feels as though his exes are playing head games with him and he has a hard time leaving his kids behind after every visit. A lot of parallels can be drawn between his situation and mine back when I was the accessing parent. He calls me often to vent about his situation and how hard it is to leave his children behind. It triggers me pretty severely but because of many years of therapy I have tools to deal with it better.

I get flooded with unwanted memories and feelings. Sometimes I want to ask my son if he now understands what I went through but that’s really not going to help anyone. Instead I listen with empathy and without making comparisons, I work at staying in the moment. I don’t make his situation about me.

Once we’ve hung up I take the time to deal with my unwanted memories and feelings. I try to remember to use the same compassionate words and tone with myself as I do with him.

It’s been all over the news, homeless encampments throughout the city. I see the tents as I go by in a taxi or on the bus. There’s always been a sort of distance between them and me. Until recently. I went with a friend of mine to one of the homeless encampments to help sort clothing donations and that distance I was so comfortable with was gone. The homeless crisis was right there, in my face.

There is a stigma surrounding the homeless, they’re lazy, they’re all drunks and addicts, they’d rather be on the street than use the available resources. From spending just one day with them, I found it not to be true. Yes, some struggle with addiction and mental illness but anyone living from paycheck to paycheck is vulnerable. They could be just one bad paycheck or one financial emergency away from being homeless. It wouldn’t take much. Some don’t feel as though they deserve any support, being unhoused can make a person feel worthless.

I wish I could say I’m surprised at how many of them have steady jobs, they just can’t afford a suitable place to live. Rental rates are out of control in the city. I’ve seen some of the more “affordable” apartments and they are veritable dives. Even so, a person making minimum wage can ill afford one, and food, and transportation, and any other necessities.

I feel empathy towards the unhoused persons, there was a period of time I was homeless myself. Living out of bags containing all your worldly possessions is not my idea of a good time. I feel angry that more isn’t being done by all levels of government to house the homeless, especially during the winter months. I feel sad that these people are in such dire straits. And I feel grateful every single day that I have roof over my head and food on my table.

Want to help the homeless but don’t know how? Consider buying an insulated tarp for their tent, it can make a big difference in keeping the heat in during the winter months. Some civic minded folks have started Facebook groups to organize hot meals, laundry, donations and other necessities. Consider joining one or creating your own group to support the homeless.

So I went to the dentist for the first time in a long, since before Covid-19, and the outcome was not what I was expecting or hoping for. The seventeen teeth I have left all need to be pulled out due to rampant tooth decay. I will need a full set of dentures.

My tooth decay is not entirely my fault although I do take some responsibility. There are several medications I take that have dry mouth as a side effect. Having a dry mouth makes your teeth vulnerable to cavities. Genetics plays a part in tooth decay as does using a quit smoking aid like lozenges, grinding your teeth and clenching your jaw. Depression can cause tooth decay in that a I tend to neglect my personal hygiene until the depression lifts.

I had to have several teeth pulled out a few years ago. I was supposed to go back to the dentist after having the last six pulled out but then Covid-19 happened. It has taken me this long to work up the courage to go back. In that time my teeth have decayed to the point of no return. Because I have to have so many removed at once it will be done at the hospital under general anesthetic.

I feel really crappy about it, I am full of anxiety surrounding my upcoming oral surgery. I’m really trying to not obsess over it but that’s easier said than done. It’s like I can’t focus on anything else. I’m imagining waking up in the hospital completely toothless and wondering what my actual reaction is going to be. I can’t see it being a good one.

From now until surgery I will have just keep using distractions to curb my anxiety. I will need to be compassionate towards myself as I respond to the negative internal dialogue. I will need reminders that losing my teeth isn’t entirely my fault, there are a number of contributing factors. Now is a good time to practice radical acceptance. It just is what it is.

At my last weigh in I had a goal of being under two hundred and ten pounds. I would have had to have lost nine pounds, instead I lost only one pound. I was very disappointed, to say the least. In my head I called myself names and told myself I was disgusted with me. It was a harsh experience I wouldn’t impose upon anyone else.

I had slow down before my spiral sped out of control. I needed a reminder that I didn’t spend the last few weeks just sitting on my duff, my exercise routine was interrupted because of my bladder sling surgery. I had to remember that I had been eating a lot of take-out because of my surgery (I didn’t feel up to cooking for a while), and that at least I didn’t gain anything back. It was time to set a new goal for my next weigh-in.

My new goal is to lose at least five pounds over the next few weeks. I set a smaller goal for my weight loss because I am still recovering from my surgery and can’t resume normal exercise for another few weeks. So what happens if I don’t meet my smaller goal? What do I do about my inner mean girl?

My inner mean girl is such a bitch. Nothing she says can ever be trusted. I wish I could just ignore her but it has never worked for me before. No, I need to address her insults and taunts with a little self-compassion. I acknowledge the hint of truth in the insults, I do have a powerful addiction to chocolate so I tend to eat all I can when it’s available. That doesn’t make me a pig, however, it is a barrier to losing weight and I’m working on it.

So it’s been a couple of weeks since I had my second bladder sling surgery and I gotta say, so far, so good. I have not leaked due to a cough or sneeze, the sling is doing its job. It isn’t doing anything for the urge incontinence, nor was it supposed to. There is another treatment for that.

Botox injections directly into the bladder will relax the bladder muscle so that the urgency isn’t so immediate, it should buy me time to reach a bathroom. It is a treatment that needs to be repeated as it lasts six to nine months on the average. Since I’ve tried two different medications to address the urge incontinence and haven’t had success, I qualify for the injections. The wait list for this procedure is about four months. While I’m waiting the best thing I can do for myself is to continue with the estrogen cream, Kegel and pelvic tilt exercises.

I haven’t really gone out anywhere since the surgery and so I am never far from the bathroom. Though sometimes I just barely make it, especially first thing in the morning, there’s only been one accident and that was because I tried to delay using the washroom. I don’t wear incontinence pads around the house but when I am ready to go out I will, just to be on the safe side.

I’m just so happy the sling surgery is working this time and there doesn’t appear to be an infection brewing at the incision site. I’m looking forward to the Botox treatments to resolve the urge incontinence.