The Ire Of Others

All it takes is for someone near me to appear to be angry or upset and I immediately go into fight, flight or freeze mode. They don’t even have to be upset or angry at all, they just have to appear that way. My heart threatens to pound itself out of my chest, I hold my breath, and I start to feel shaky inside. I feel as though I need to “fix” whatever is wrong.

A good example is when I visited with my son a couple of years ago. His partner (ex-partner now) and he had a disagreement in front of me. My son wanted to spend some money on chicken breasts and his partner wanted him to spend the money on taking the kids to the Exhibition. It was a matter of fifty dollars. My son’s partner got upset with him. The situation had nothing whatsoever to do with me but I felt a desperate urge to “fix” it so I forked out fifty dollars to keep the peace.

Sometimes when my partner becomes frustrated with a video game or work he will curse the thing out. There’s nothing wrong with him expressing his frustration and he’s not directing anything towards me but I freeze anyway. I want to be a helper or shrink into the background.

In these moments I need to self-regulate by turning my attention inward to what I’m experiencing and taking an inventory of my symptoms. I try to lower my heart rate by releasing the air trapped inside my lungs, with a deep quivering breath in and out I drop my shoulders from around my ears and still the shakiness inside. I have to remind myself that it’s not my responsibility to fix everything. I try to change my thoughts from, “oh my God! Shit’s gonna hit the fan and somehow it’s my fault!” to “not my circus, not my monkeys.”

If I don’t self-regulate my symptoms worsen which can land me in some pretty hot water. Let’s say my partner is getting pissed off at a video game and I don’t self-regulate I might end up getting pissed off at him for getting pissed off at his game. I might say something like, “why are you even playing that game if it’s pissing you off?” or, “for fuck sakes! It’s just a game.” (As a side note, game rage is a real thing.) This kind of approach could easily lead to an unnecessary argument where my wildly out of control emotions would take over and I would likely end up doing or saying something regrettable.

When I’m regulated I’m more likely to respond to his game rage by validating his feelings. I might say something like, “that looks frustrating but you’ll get it.” And go do something else for a while thus leaving my partner to his game and free to express his emotions without fear of triggering me.

So, you see, the ire of others stirs up a mass amount of anxiety but thanks to years of therapy I’ve gotten a lot better at handling it. I may still freeze but it’s for a shorter period of time and my response is vastly different.

Looking For A Cure Where There Is None

For a very long time I thought I could cure my then undiagnosed PTSD, borderline personality disorder, depression and anxiety but there is no cure. There is only treatment and therapy to manage triggers and symptoms. Healing from trauma looks a lot different than I thought it did.

Healing is not linear, some days it feels like I’m going backwards. I’m easily dis-regulated and my symptoms overwhelm me. I feel like sleeping a lot, I can’t stay awake to save my life. And when I am awake, I brood or mope. I feel frozen in place and nothing gets done around the house, not even a simple home cooked meal. I might get the dog out for a short walk or I take her to the daycare across the street.

Other days I feel ready to take on whatever comes my way. I feel stable and content. The kitchen is tidy and I make something yummy for lunch and supper. I’m still sleepy but that’s just the medication, not the medication plus mood. I get out to run my own errands and not rely on my partner to do so. I take my dog out on a long walk on the nature trail nearby. Hell, sometimes I even shower on my good days.

I tried to eliminate bad days from my life by pretending they didn’t exist because I thought once I got better, there wouldn’t be any more. I’d be done with bad days, bad memories, bad feelings, and I’d be over the trauma. But noooooo, that’s not how healing works and I need to be okay with that.

Trying to find a cure only prolonged and exacerbated my suffering. I tried the geographical cure only to find wherever I went, there I was, along with all my trauma. My then undiagnosed PTSD, borderline personality disorder, depression and anxiety defined my behaviours, which proved to be impulsive and destructive.

My hard-won understanding of healing is gaining the ability to utilize tools to ease any suffering I may be experiencing. There will always be triggers out in the world and to stay home forever or expect others to change their behaviour to avoid triggering me is unrealistic. Healing is taking responsibility for my reactions and behaviour, managing my triggers and regulating my emotions. It’s taking my meds as directed. It’s gaining the ability to be more compassionate and less judgemental towards myself and others.

Oh, The Waiting…

I have appointments all set up with my dentist to have all of my remaining top teeth and the bottom four front teeth extracted in January and for the dentures starting in March. By mid-may I will have a lovely smile but until then I will be pretty much toothless as I will only have five teeth remaining on the bottom.

I’m experiencing a high level of anxiety in anticipation of the extractions and then going so long without teeth. The dental assistant was reassuring as she explained that the dentist is the best, there won’t be any pain and I’ll have a prescription for something to help relax me beforehand, and a prescription for Tylenol 3’s for any discomfort that follows. It helped a bit but I’m still kind of freaking out inside.

It’s faster and less anxiety provoking than having the extractions done at the hospital. To have them extracted at the hospital means pre-op bloodwork, paperwork, and a long wait. Having my teeth extracted by the dentist will be quick and simple, no hospital paperwork, no bloodwork and not too much waiting.

I don’t feel good about having to have my teeth extracted, I’m actually kind of bummed out. I’m not sure if I will cry with each tooth pulled or wait until I get home. I may end up doing both or not crying at all. I guess we’ll find out on the big day.

Memories are triggered of when I went through the double mastectomy and reconstruction. I went sixteen weeks with no breasts while I healed and waited for the reconstruction process to begin. I don’t think I really cried until the first time I saw staples where my breasts used to be. It looked like there were two zippers across my chest.

The day will come up fast, it is less than a month away but it sometimes feels like the waiting is gonna kill me. If I could have it done today, I would.

So I Didn’t Meet My Goal…Again

So I didn’t meet my goal of losing five pounds (instead of ten) in the last six weeks. The good news is I didn’t gain anything either. There are a few reasons I’ve been stuck at this weight.

I spent four of those six weeks not doing much of anything as I was still recovering from a bladder sling surgery. I couldn’t take my dog for a walk or use my exercise bike for a total of eight weeks. Now that I’m back to full physical activity I should be able to drop a few pounds in two months (my next weigh-in). Returning to regular activities will be a slow process as I have chronic pain issues in my neck and low back but I am determined.

I have a bad sugar habit I struggle with, especially when it comes to chocolate. Chocolate is my kryptonite. If I’m to succeed in losing ten pounds I’ll need to make a few more dietary and lifestyle changes. Less take-out, and less sugar, that includes beer and wine; and more physical activity.

I’m going to make an appointment with my doctor for a medication review because I believe some of my meds make me gain or retain weight and I wonder if the use of them can be discontinued. I’m tolerating my stressors and triggers fairly well and I feel more stable than I have in a long time, which I attribute to years of therapy more than the medications. Even though I feel better I’m not about to stop my meds on my own, I am well aware of the dangers of doing so.

There is generally a hint of truth in what my inner mean girl says but she’s such a bitch about it. For instance, I was eating some chocolate the other day and my inner mean girl said something like, “no wonder you’re so fat, look at you eating that chocolate like a little piggy.” Pretty mean, right? I’ve learned to respond differently than I have in the past. My reply goes something like this, “eating chocolate is holding me back from reaching my weight loss goal. I’ll need to cut back or cut it out completely.”

At the end of the day, there are a couple of factors affecting my weight loss (or lack thereof) and I was able to treat myself with kindness and compassion rather than judgement and cruelty. I will meet my current goal of ten pounds in two months.

I’m Fine, Everything Is Fine

That is if fine were an acronym for fucked up, insecure, neurotic, and emotional. I have more than a few stressors in my life at the moment and they are weighing heavily on me.

For starters, I need to have most of my remaining teeth pulled and get a full set of top dentures and a partial set for the bottom. It will be done at the dentist’s office instead of the hospital. Having it done at the hospital would be a pain in the ass. I’d have to go for a consult and then the extraction, and they make you wait. It could be months before I have the actual surgery. This new dentist I saw can have them out in a couple of appointments and she can make my dentures in house. I’m glad I got a second opinion but I still have a decent amount of anxiety around having my teeth removed.

The bladder sling surgery was a success but I still suffer from urge incontinence and am on a waiting list for botox injections directly into my bladder. I’m currently taking two different medications which are suppose to help with the urge incontinence but I don’t think they’re doing anything. It really affects my quality of life, I don’t want to go far, I always need to be close to a bathroom. That means my partner does the grocery shopping, takes care of running errands. We don’t go out for dates because I have that worry of not being able to get to a bathroom in time.

I’m trying to lose weight, which will also help with the incontinence, but I don’t seem to be getting anywhere. I haven’t gained anything but I haven’t lost anything in the last twelve weeks either. I’m trying to be compassionate towards myself but I have days where I am hard on myself. My inner inner mean girl is a real bitch. Chocolate is my kryptonite and my inner mean girl picks on me about my addiction. She calls me names like pig and says I’m fat and weak. I’m working on my addiction to chocolate and trying to stay positive in spite of her.

My doctor has sent a referral for me to be assessed for ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder). I have a sneaking suspicion I have it. My mother said the doctors told her I had a chemical imbalance and ritalin would help but I would have to be on it for life. If left untreated I might grow out of it but my mother doesn’t think I ever did, even as an adult. Two of my biological children have it and the third has ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) and there is a strong genetic component. I have some anxiety around the assessment but I’m happy to go through with it. If I do have ADHD it would answer a lot of questions.

Finances are always a thing with me. I worry about getting over my head in debt. It’s happened twice already and my parents have helped me pay off my credit card debt. I’m well on my way for a third time. I’m on a fixed monthly income and between helping my children and friends out a bit I don’t have much cash left for me so I end up using my credit card and then not paying it all off when the statement comes in and the balance slowly grows. I hate carrying a balance but I frequently do. Anyway, I can’t say no if I’m asked or if I know someone is out of food I will send them some money if I have any, I’ve literally sent my last twenty bucks to a friend in need. My adult children don’t pay it back and I don’t expect them to. My friends pay me back as soon as they are able but sometimes it leaves me short for my own bills.

Did I mention that my fixed monthly income is long term disability insurance through my employer? The insurance company has asked me to apply for Canada Pension Plan Disability, which I did and was denied. That’s when the insurance company reached out to the Disability Claims Advocacy Clinic and we filed an appeal. The tribunal hearing of my appeal will take place mid-January, at which time I will have no top teeth. It should be interesting.

My house is still in disarray from the flood in the basement in June which triggers me. My ex wanted to renovate our house but by the time I left there wasn’t much left to the interior of the house, it had been practically gutted with nothing being rebuilt. This is a very different situation with a very different partner and the good news is that the contractor can start the renovations before Christmas. I won’t have to live with the house like this much longer, thank goodness.

I don’t think parents ever stop worrying about their kids no matter the age. I worry about my son and his situation with his ex and their kids. The mother borders on unfit, the children were already taken away once. Frankly, the children would be better off with my son, and he is working on getting into a position to take them.

I worry about my daughter and granddaughter’s mental health. My daughter is dealing with some mental health issues but she is doing everything the doctor told her to do. I worry about my daughter and her husband being able to support two kids now that the new baby is here, they struggle so much financially. I often send them small amounts of money but it does add up.

To make matters worse Child Protection Services was called on my daughter. My daughter and her husband are not neglectful or abusive in any way, shape or form. They are good parents but my granddaughter may have said something about having no food when they actually have food but it just isn’t what my granddaughter wants. I remember being a kid and saying there’s nothing to eat in the house because there was nothing I wanted.

How am I coping with all of this? Some days I’m not sure that I am. Other days I distract myself with painting, writing, going for walks, training my dog, and volunteering my time to help the homeless whenever possible.

A Second Opinion Was Worth It

I went to the dentist recently and he told me I would have to have all of my remaining teeth pulled and get a full set of dentures. He thought it would be best if I had it done at the hospital since there were so many coming out. And since his office doesn’t make dentures and is not partnered with any denturists he told me I had find one myself. He suggested I read reviews to determine where to go.

I made an appointment for a consultation for dentures at a dental office and the dentist there wanted to examine my teeth for herself and required another x-ray. She found that there were no cavities in my bottom teeth but because there is some bone loss I will need to lose the four front bottom teeth. She can salvage the other four I have left on the bottom which will give me a good anchor for the bottom dentures. All of my top teeth still have to go as they are full of cavities. I needed to commit to having my remaining teeth cleaned every six months.

She explained that having my teeth extracted at the hospital would require a consult with the oral surgery team, then wait for another date for the actual surgery. She said the wait for hospital could be a while. She said she could do it all in house, the extractions and the dentures, much quicker. I think it would be best to avoid the anxiety of playing the waiting game with the hospital and just get it over and done with by this dentist.

Besides, at the first dentist’s office I felt judged because of the tooth decay. This new dentist explained that I didn’t do anything wrong, the tooth decay in my teeth happened because of some of my medications and, of course, the depression when it hits. She treated me with such respect and dignity I damn near cried. So, yeah, I think I will deal with this new dentist for everything. I don’t want to wait around for the hospital.

My health plan would only cover the initial exam and x-rays for the first dentist, I had to pay out of pocket for the second opinion and x-rays but it was so worth it.