So, I Guess We’ll Catch Up

I was chatting with my Godmother the other day and she mentioned she ran into my younger brother at a neighbour’s funeral. They ended up chatting about me and he expressed interest in connecting with me. I don’t remember him being cruel growing up so I thought what the harm, and I reached out via Facebook. He got back to me right away and since he will be home at the same time as my visit we agreed to catch up. The last time I saw my younger brother was Christmas of 2013 and the last time I had any contact with him was in 2017.

I have some feelings about seeing him after so long and I’m trying to sort them out. The last time I saw him was at Christmas dinner at my parents and he boldly asked me why I didn’t take my septum piercing out, out of respect for our mother. I felt judged and belittled for my personal choice to have my septum pierced.

We didn’t speak again until 2017, not because of any disagreement or anything, we just aren’t close. I sold him my kayak and had questions about our childhood. I remember next to nothing about it except the trauma. I explained I was going through a severe depression and my mental health was not good. I was in a dark place. He said he loved me and I gave him my phone number and that was the last I heard from him.

I feel a little trepidatious, I’m not sure what will come up for me, I’m having potential conversations in my head, rehearsing, if you will. I worry that I might have an emotional melt down and run him through everything I’ve been feeling for the last fifty plus years. I worry he something might come up that’s very triggering for me. I mean, I did cry and feel emotional after our brief superficial exchange on FB so it makes me wonder how emotional this reunion will be.

I worry he might judge me for my relationship with a much younger man. At the end of the day it really doesn’t matter what he thinks but I still don’t want to be judged for it. I question how much I should edit from my story or even if I should tell him anything at all. Do I keep the conversation steered toward him or allow it to drift over to me once in a while? I’m probably overthinking this but that’s what I do. I overthink things. Then again, it’s better to be prepared than not.

In the meantime, I cope by planning my exit strategies; if we meet at his place I can leave if need be; or if we meet at the cottage I’ll need to change subjects and let him know the topic is off limits if something I’m not prepared to discuss comes up. I cannot control what he says or does but I can control what I say and do. I guess we’ll see what happens when we meet up later this month.

Did Someone Say “Botox”?

Yup! That’s right I got Botox!But not where you would think. Not only is it used in the beauty industry, it’s also used to treat urge incontinence. I went for treatment a couple of weeks ago. They inject Botox directly into the bladder with the aid of a tiny camera.

What it does is essentially relax the bladder thus diminishing the likelihood of having an accident while on your way to the bathroom. It is a procedure which needs to be repeated. It’s hard to project exactly how long will be necessary between treatments because everyone is different but it does last for several months. And so far, so good. I haven’t had a single accident, nor have I had to do the pee pee dance all the way to the bathroom. It may be too early but I’m optimistic. I see the doctor again in five weeks.

I’m still experiencing a little stress incontinence but it has drastically improved. I also leak for no apparent reason. Sometimes I change position, or get up, or even walk I dribble a little urine. The doctor said that she’s pretty much done all she can do, aside from maybe trying some Bulkamid. Bulkamid is a bulking up agent for the urethra which helps with stress leaks. The doctor wants to wait and see how the Botox works, and then we can discuss it if need be.

In the meantime, I keep doing Kegel exercises and work on strengthening my pelvic floor. I’ve lowered my caffeine intake (it irritates the bladder), and I am losing weight which will also help.

Check My Privilege? WTF?

“What the fuck does that even mean? Check my privilege? Pffft! I’m not privileged! I work hard for everything I have.” This is often the response from those who are privileged and without an understanding of what it actually means.

Oxford languages dictionary defines privilege as a special right, advantage or immunity granted or available only to a particular person or group.

On the surface it may seem simple enough but it is a complex and often controversial subject. There are many different types of privilege, for example; white male privilege; white privilege; male privilege; etc… For the purpose of this post I am discussing privilege as it relates to socioeconomic status. To put in perspective, a certain amount of education is a right; an education from a private boarding school, and/or post secondary school is a privilege. Housing is a basic human right, but home ownership, well, that’s another privilege reserved for those who can afford it. The higher one travels through the upper echelons of society, the more privilege.

At the top of the so-called food chain we have the very wealthy. The Jeff Bezos and Elon Musks of the world. They have access to the most exclusive restaurants, country clubs, and first class travel to wherever they want to go, space included. They can afford high-end homes complete with swimming pools, manicured lawns and gardens, tennis courts, etc… They can buy luxury vehicles and the latest fashions in designer clothing. Their kids attend private schools, and ivy league universities, assuming they have the smarts. Their money can even influence politics.

At the lowest point, there are the severely underprivileged people. They are the people we see living in tents, panhandling on the streets, and sleeping in doorways. They are the poorest of the poor, rejected and marginalized by society. They don’t have cars, unless they are sleeping in them, they aren’t welcome in fancy restaurants, or even fast food joints, and there’s no kitchen for them to cook in. They often don’t even have access to toilets or showers, the basic things that I take for granted every day. Their children, if they have any, are taken away and end up in foster care or with a relative because the parent(s) can’t provide for them.

In between these extremes there are several socioeconomic classes ranging from the wealthy who are only worth millions instead of billions; the middle classes (upper middle; middle; and lower middle); and let’s not forget the working poor who survive paycheck to paycheck and those who receive a fixed monthly income.

The wealthy enjoy many of the same privileges the very wealthy do though they may not have their own spaceships. You might find them living in gated communities or in urban centres or on large estates in the country. They may even have more than one home. Their children are in all the sports and pretty much have all the same advantages as the very wealthy.

The areas within a city where the poor reside often have reputations for being rough and unsafe neighbourhoods complete with gangs. There’s a higher risk of kids joining gangs out of boredom or peer pressure. Boredom comes from a lack of access to organized activities like sports and community groups. Even if they could access organized activities, their parents are probably not in a position to pay for it. They are underprivileged kids.

When I hear “check your privilege” it prompts me to take a step back and think about the advantages I have over other groups of people. I’m a white female, I live in a nice quiet middle class neighbourhood, we own the house we live in, I don’t work but I do have a small income and my partner makes really good money. We have a fairly privileged lifestyle, we can afford to enjoy our hobbies, go to decent restaurants, or order in, and there’s money saved for a rainy day. I’d say we fall into the upper middle class.

So the next time you hear “check your privilege”, how will it impact you? Will you be offended and get angry? Or will you own your privilege and understand the advantages you have over others? Will it make you apathetic and callous? Or will it prompt you to be more empathetic and compassionate?

I Have Questions

The circulation of a video depicting one homeless person attacking another with a baseball bat at an encampment has understandably caused fear and anger among many local residents, especially in light of the nearby Pallet shelters for the homeless. It’s clear that this video has elicited strong emotions in many, including myself, though maybe not for the same reasons.

I’ve seen on the news that taking videos of altercations and posting them on social media is a disturbing and growing trend. The police are asking people to stop doing that and call them immediately. Many times the police are not called until after the altercation is over if they are even called at all. I have questions…

Why wait until the altercation is over? What if someone lost their life because the cops weren’t called in time? Do they (the people who are doing the recording and posting on social media) derive some kind of pleasure from a) recording the incident and/or b) getting likes and shares on social media? If the individual records strictly for evidence, why not call the cops, then hit record? Why share it on social media rather than just with the police?

Have we, as a society, grown callous? Have we prioritized our dopamine dumps over human empathy and compassion?

The NIMBYs And The Homeless

Homelessness has long been in a state of crisis in NS. There are homeless encampments sprinkling the landscape throughout our cities with no end in sight. In response to this crisis NS has purchased and erected Pallet shelters (glorified sheds, if you ask me) at the same location as one of Halifax Regional Municipality’s existing warming shelters in Lower Sackville. The response from some people in the community was that of pure outrage.

The NIMBY people (Not In My BackYard) claim they were not consulted beforehand at which time they would have made their opposition known, I believe them and understand their anger on this point. What I’m struggling with is their opposition and anger based on misinformation and unfavourable assumptions.

First, let me just say that drug addiction, alcoholism and mental illness are not reserved for the homeless. Housed people can suffer these same plagues. The main difference is that housed people are better hidden. They would most often have a sustainable source of income and/or family to lean on. How many housed parents have a glass of wine every day or drink themselves into a good buzz in front of their kids every weekend? How many housed parents smoke weed on a regular basis? Or struggle with an addiction to cigarettes and don’t want their kids to smoke? How many housed families have one or more members who suffer from some form of mental health issue?

A common misconception is that homeless people are lazy, drug addicts, alcoholics and mentally ill. I can tell you from working with them that this is not the case. Some homeless people suffer from drug addiction, alcoholism, and mental illness, and some of them are not employable. Others have full time jobs but they aren’t paid a living wage, especially not since rental rates have risen to an unaffordable all time high. And still others have some kind of physical disability. Nobody I’ve met has made a conscious choice to be homeless and yet, there they are.

There is a vetting process (I won’t pretend I know what that entails) to determine who gets the Pallet shelters and only people who are low risk (to use drugs or offend) are accepted. I know that doesn’t mean no risk but the reality is that nobody can say no risk with 100% certainty, hence the label of low risk. I volunteered at one of the homeless encampments and can tell you honestly I never found a single needle. Not one.

I think what the NIMBY people of Lower Sackville might be missing is that this whole situation is a testament to how badly our governments and healthcare systems are failing. There are not enough supports in place for people who want to get clean and sober, or seek proper mental health treatment. There is not enough affordable housing, especially not for single and low income households.

Let’s also take a look at how the province and municipality are treating homeless people. First, they are herded* to the approved encampment locations where they are provided with bottled water, port-a-potties and a garbage bin. That’s it. Now, they are being herded* to the Pallet shelters, or Beacon House, or The Halifax Forum, or other encampments, or hotels because the city is closing some of the encampments down (just in time for the Juno Awards). The homeless people aren’t given a choice.

And did you know that when you are homeless the province takes the housing allowance from your welfare check? This reduces your monthly income to three hundred dollars. That’s not enough for food, transportation and other necessities…and to save money for a home. Not that a full welfare check is enough to cover rent let alone food and transportation.

If nothing else, remember this, nobody is immune to becoming homeless. People are ren-eviceted* all the time. Anyone living from paycheck to paycheck can be vulnerable. All it would take is a couple of bad paychecks or being laid off, or maybe just the slightest rent increase would be enough.

*Herded is a term I use to describe how the province and municipality are treating our homeless population.

*Ren-evicted refers to the practice of renovating apartments or other dwellings and jacking the price up, or the evicting current tenants in order to do renovations.

…And Now For More Waiting…

All the teeth that needed to come out are gone and I only have five teeth left on the bottom. Now, it’s waiting until the end of March to take the first step towards my new teeth by making an impression of my gums. I hate the way I look and sound and the waiting/healing period is taking it’s toll on me mentally.

I thought the hardest part would have been the actual extractions but I was wrong. This is the hardest part, waiting for my mouth to heal. I could have had dentures immediately but doing it that way often results in ill fitting dentures which is not ideal. They take an impression of your teeth and make and educated guess as to where your soft tissue will end up whereas if you wait for your mouth to heal before taking an impression it will be more exact and you’ll have better fitting dentures. Choosing to wait has proven more difficult than I had anticipated.

I feel ugly, like I look ridiculous. I don’t know if you’ve ever watched Looney Toons but there is an English bulldog in some of the Tweety and Sylvester cartoons; and this bulldog has only his two bottom canine teeth sticking out and up. That’s what I think I look like every time I open my mouth because my two canines are the only teeth visible. I worry about people judging me based upon my appearance.

I don’t really want to show my face in public but staying home for two months straight is unrealistic. I still need to take the dog out for walks and run errands. It’s inevitable that I will run into people and be forced to talk. I keep my head down hoping they don’t notice my missing teeth. I try to avoid smiling or laughing with my mouth open.

If I had to choose the emotion I felt strongest it would be shame. I’m too young for this, it’s my own fault, there’s no reason this should be happening, etc… these thoughts invade my mind constantly and I battle them daily. I counter attack with the facts; genetics; medication; depression; smoking; and a chocolate addiction all played a part in my losing my teeth.

Finding things I can eat comfortably is no picnic (see what I did there?). I never thought I’d see the day where I would be sick of chocolate ice cream. I’m more or less on a soft food diet until I get my new teeth, which really sucks. I definitely won’t be eating any steak anytime soon.

I try to be optimistic and keep in mind that I will have a beautiful, perfect smile by the time it’s all done but it’s a challenge. It helps to have all of my denture fitting appointments already booked so I know what the schedule looks like and how long the process should take.My final check on the dentures is booked for the end of May so the process to make and fit the dentures takes about two months. That’s four months in total if you include the extractions and healing period. So in the meantime, I guess I’ll keep trying to stay positive until I have a gorgeous smile.