When Parkinson’s Disease Strikes

My mother called me yesterday and told me her doctor thinks she has Parkinson’s disease. She’s not waiting for confirmation of diagnosis to start treatment, that could take up to a two years. Starting treatment right away will hopefully help with her symptoms. If it does, that’s almost as good as a confirmation.

Parkinson’s would certainly explain the rapid decline in some of her motor skills. I’ve watched her progress from using a cane to using a walker around the house in just a few months. Although the medication should improve things for her I worry about falling. She’s fallen before at church and around the house.

It’s not a terminal illness but it is life altering and degenerative. My mother’s symptoms will worsen over time though treatment should help keep them under control. She will need a lot more support at home, in my opinion. I’m not sure how to bring it up with the rest of the family. I asked who had spoken to Mom about the Parkinson’s with only a few people seeing it and responding. Maybe I’ll just let my older sister take the lead on this one, people will actually listen and respond to her.

I feel pretty helpless as there is absolutely nothing I can do right now to support them. My budget is super tight until my full income is reinstated. I’ll be able to visit sometime in May-June. When I do, I’ll prepare freezer meals; take my parents where they need to go; run errands for them; help keep the house clean and tidy…all the things. Whatever I can do to help.

A Situation Full Of Triggers: It Went Better Than Expected

I’m glad I made it to my uncle’s funeral. It was a sad occasion and my heart truly went out to my aunt and cousins. They’re a close family. I briefly said hello and offered my sympathy as this was a busy time for them. Their day must have been just so exhausting.

I had been anxious about seeing my older brother and having to spend any time in his proximity. I was worried about having an emotional or physical reaction to the trigger but I was cool as a cucumber. He was a pall bearer so he didn’t sit with the rest of the family, which worked out well for me. I didn’t have to pretend to be pleasant. At the reception, however, he was standing by my parents when I went over to let them know I was leaving. I didn’t even acknowledge his presence.

As I didn’t get to use Mom’s car because my sister had it, I had to rely on others for transportation. My sister came and picked me up so I could visit with my parents for a bit. It gave us a chance to chat and she was understanding of the fact that I had some mental health issues which took a long time to learn how to handle. I found out that she had actually tried to get in touch with me about an important family gathering a couple of years ago but my youngest daughter said it wasn’t her job to give me the message. It wasn’t that nobody wanted me there, it was a lack of my older sister’s ability to get in touch with me. But I digress…Yes, my older sister and I are okay….we’ll never be close but she doesn’t appear to be harbouring any ill feelings towards me.

It was a short visit with my mother and father but relaxed. They were tired after the funeral. Mom and Dad are declining in their old age. The usual tornado of feelings I go through before a visit seemed to dissipate when I actually saw them. Dad was falling asleep sitting up and Mom shuffled around to her chair with her walker.

My sister wanted a family meeting to discuss strategies on how we can keep our parents in their home safely. I wasn’t able to attend because I had to be back home for an MRI. I won’t lie, it was a relief that I couldn’t be there for this meeting, assuming it happened at all. I don’t want to be around my older brother if it can be avoided. I did, however, have to unblock him from Facebook in order to participate in the family chat my sister started via Messenger. I’m keeping my focus on my parents and their needs. The nice thing about Messenger is that it doesn’t require a rapid response. I can pause and think about what I want to say without getting emotional or allowing my triggers to rule my communication or actions.

Staying at my oldest daughter’s place felt a little awkward at first but I did loosen up after the first night. She and her husband are warm caring people and made me feel welcome. On my last night there she came to me and we talked about having a closer relationship. It was amazing. I had hoped that one day we could be close again in a healthier, non-dysfunctional way. We’ve both grown and changed over the last few years and it was evident so maybe now is the time to really reconnect.

I did manage to see my son and youngest daughter. As it turned out my son was within walking distance of my oldest daughter’s place so I went over for a visit. Unfortunately I didn’t get to see his kids as they live out in the country, wayyyyy out in the country. I went to my youngest daughter’s place and saw her family. My grandkids sure have grown.

I came home feeling positive and hopeful. My next trip up won’t be so anxiety provoking.

A Situation Full Of Triggers

My uncle recently passed away and I’m making the trip to the funeral. It will be the first time in over ten years that I will have seen or spoken to most of my family. My anxiety is skyrocketing, old feelings are resurfacing and, frankly, I’m afraid my family thinks I’m bad and doesn’t want me around. I’m full of self-doubt and trepidation. So why am I even going? I am still family, I can still pay my respects to a man who I remember very fondly.

A lifetime of mental health issues and the resulting erratic self-destructive behaviours I exhibited over the years have cost me a great deal; jobs; friendships; relationships; and family connections. I have complex PTSD and borderline personality disorder plus I suffer from depression and anxiety. After a fight with my father a few years ago, I cut everyone off of my Facebook, even all of my cousins. It wasn’t like I had a close relationship with any of them but it was nice to at least be somehow connected….that being said, I made that particular mistake during an emotional crisis.

I feel kind of sheepish about approaching my cousins. I’ve just reconnected with two of them on Facebook even though I haven’t sent them a message yet (it was their father who passed away). I’m afraid I’ve been labeled as an unstable troublemaker, it may not be the case but my fear is real. But that’s not the main source of my anxiety. My older brother will be around. I don’t want to see him but it is inevitable.

He continues to lie about molesting me when we were younger and my folks continue to believe him over me. The last contact I had with him was when I was very emotionally dis-regulated and I was harassing him via text message. It was a few years ago when I had poor control over my impulses. Years of therapy has changed that however I still experience strong emotions about the whole ordeal.

As I am already somewhat triggered just at the thought of running into him I am searching through my therapy books for strategies on handling overwhelming feelings in the moment. I don’t want any overwhelming emotions to take over my mind or body so I’m preparing in advance. I’m planning polite exit strategies so I can avoid my older brother whenever possible. Finding the ladies’ room will be key. I’ll be able to take a moment if I need one.

I’m stressing, as I always do, about seeing my parents. It’s always difficult for me. My feelings towards them are complicated. I’m working through deeply rooted feelings of rejection, inadequacy, sadness, anger, insecurity and hurt. These feelings aren’t new, they are all part and parcel of my disorders. I have to work through them whenever they come up, which thankfully is less frequently. They are intensified right now because my older brother and sister will be around (she and I just never really got along).

There’s another added pressure in this trip. I won’t have the cottage so I’ll be staying at my oldest daughter’s place for three nights. She’s the daughter I gave up for adoption to my parents. I haven’t spent that much time with her since I left my husband in 2013. At that time we bonded in a very unhealthy way by drinking and picking up guys. In 2017 I fell into a deep dark depression. She tried to help but I wasn’t responding well and she was going through her own struggles. Things eventually got to the point where she didn’t want to hear any more about my childhood trauma. My perspective didn’t paint the mother she knew in the best light. She had to set some boundaries for her own mental health, I don’t blame her. Since then I haven’t been close to her. I felt like I had completely lost her support. Now, it’s more like I need to keep up a brave face in spite of any inner turmoil I may experience.

This trip will definitely be a mega test of my medication and the tools I’ve learned in therapy. I’ve considered not going but I don’t want to be the only family member who’s a no show. My uncle was a good man and though I lost contact long ago I remember him as being kind and patient, and I’d like to say good-bye. I’d like to see my aunt and cousins and offer my condolences in person.

New Brunswick Trip, May 2024 (Part III-My Younger Brother)

We did reunite but it was kind of frustrating meeting up. He was supposed to come out to the cottage to meet me on the Monday but didn’t make it, and didn’t call or text. I found out from my parents where exactly he lived between their house and the cottage so I dropped in on him Tuesday morning.

He was glad to see me and I him, but since neither of us really do a lot for excitement there wasn’t a whole lot to catch up on. There were a few awkward silences. I didn’t get into what I’d been through in the last few years, nor was I prepared to discuss the past (namely my older brother) and he didn’t ask. He wasn’t at all judgemental about my relationship with a much younger man, which I honestly thought he would be.

He said he would come out to the cottage to help me with something that evening, but once again, he didn’t make it but this time it was because he wasn’t feeling well, although there was no text or phone call. I had to drop in again Wednesday morning. He finally made it out Wednesday evening but only stayed for about twenty minutes to help me try to get the mosquito eater started (it didn’t work). It didn’t feel like much of a visit, but then, my brother is a man of few words.

It was good to reconnect with my younger brother. I’m hopeful for a closer relationship in the future, getting reacquainted is a terrific start.

New Brunswick Trip May 2024 (Part II-My Kids And Grandkids)

My Oldest Daughter: My oldest daughter and her husband came out to the cottage for a visit. It was so good to see her. She’s nearly done her teaching degree and is looking forward to some down time. I’m so proud of her.

We kept the conversation current and light. We needed to reframe our relationship and it is taking time, but that’s okay. In the past, we bonded in an unhealthy way. We’d go to the bar and pick up men together. That bond needed to be adjusted and I’m working on creating a healthy one.

Her oldest son picked me up at the bus stop. Boy, time really flies. It’s hard to believe that he’s off to university next year. I didn’t get to see her other son but there’s always next time. They’re both good kids.

My Son: He’s come a long way. He and his girlfriend split up and since then he has been doing so much better. He’s learned to regulate himself and is working hard to get his shit together. He got a job and is saving money for his own place. He supports his kids by buying whatever they need as their mother cannot be trusted with money.

Visiting with him reminded me of when he was younger. He was beating me in games I taught him to play, and taking great pleasure in it. I’ll have to pick up a cribbage board for next visit. Sitting at the table playing card games was a little triggering for me but we talked a little about his plans for the immediate future and we kept conversation steered away from the past. I’m so happy to see him getting on his feet.

His two kids were well behaved, and boy, were they cute. One is five and the other is three. They played well together and co-operated with their father. My son showed patience and understanding with them. He demonstrated, at least to me, that he had matured a great deal and is learning to deal with his ADHD, Autism and trauma.

My Youngest Daughter: My visits with her were difficult at times. She has her bedroom in her living room and I have a hard time with that. There’s no place to sit and visit unless you are at the kitchen table in an uncomfortable chair. One of her cats can’t keep herself clean which makes the place stink. She can’t afford the maintenance required for that cat and as much as she loves her, it might be time to re-home her. I kept my opinions to myself and accepted the fact this was her home, not mine.

Other than that we kept the topics fairly light and focused on the events of the day. We didn’t discuss the past. She did experience a bit of a melt down, and rightfully so. Her best friend from childhood called her out of the blue. My daughter had been wanting to hang out with her for quite some time but the friend had only called because she needed money. I think she was drunk (she has a drinking problem). As soon as she heard I was in town, she suddenly perked up and wanted me to drop by for a visit. This genuinely hurt my daughter and if I were in her shoes, I’d feel the same way. I didn’t go see the friend as it would just further hurt my daughter. I felt so bad for her. I explained that the friend sounded very drunk and it was nothing personal. The friend’s drinking problem took over, she ran out of money for her medications and was grasping at any straw to cover her expenses. I told my daughter that as much as it hurts it might be time to let go of that friendship.

My granddaughter is now an eleven year old pre-teen. She’s developing into quite the young lady. She loves her six month old baby brother, who I met for the first time. He’s such a joy. The kids were happy and healthy, which is all one can ask for.

My Stepdaughter: I would be remiss if I didn’t mention my stepdaughter. I had plans to go visit her but my PTSD got in the way. Her father, my ex-husband, is a successful realtor in the area and his signs are everywhere. I wasn’t prepared to drive around and see his name wherever I looked so I bowed out, unfortunately. I felt sick to my stomach, my heart raced at the thought of going to “his” area and I started shaking. It was better for my mental health to not go. I felt bad, it’s been a few years since I’d last seen her. I felt bad for cancelling but I have to honour my feelings and respect when the body says no.

I’m slowly accomplishing my goal of creating closer and healthier bonds with my adult children, and repairing damaged relationships. I’m working on getting to know my oldest grandsons and maintaining my relationships with my other grandchildren. The distance poses a bit of a challenge but I get up there whenever I can.

New Brunswick Trip, May 2024 (Part I-My Parents)

I stopped by the farm every day I was in NB and saw my parents. It was uncomfortable at times, my emotions threatened to take over more than once. There were moments I nearly started to cry but I was able to reign myself in fairly quickly. My parents are not emotional people.

Mom: Old age has slowed my mother down but nothing so much so as Covid. She hasn’t been the same since she’d been sick. She’ll never drive again, I had to take her to church a couple of times. She appeared laboured as she shuffled from task to task, and needed someone to do things for her that she used to do with ease and with a baby on her hip. I was taken aback by the change in her.

This wasn’t the same mother that spanked me or yelled at me that I was a piss pot, or a selfish, self-centred little girl, and who always seemed to be cross with me. This was a frail old woman who could barely pour a cup of tea. She needed help tidying a bedroom for my aunt’s upcoming visit, it felt like it took us an hour to do something that could have once been done in minutes.

I struggled to contain my emotions, especially when she said triggering things like how my son had said some things to my dad they found hurtful. I wanted to tell her how hurtful they’ve been to my kids their whole lives by treating them differently than the rest of the grandkids. My parents have done very little for my kids, maybe a Christmas or birthday present up until they became teenagers (they also stopped coming around) then nothing…. I wanted to blurt out that they’ve always punished my children for who their father is…but I digress….

I told myself it would do no good to confront my mother with my feelings about the past. It would just upset her and I would get shit on, again. I was angry that I’d never be able to clear the air but I kept my feelings to myself, and shut down any threat of tears. I made time to deal with my emotions later and with someone I knew would understand.

Dad: There’s a noticeable difference in my dad too. He’s not as slow as Mom but he has significantly aged. He’s become hard of hearing, so much so that he really should get a hearing aid but is deterred by the cost. His vision hasn’t been the greatest since he had the cataracts removed. He’s got fluid on his eyes so everything appears as though he’s looking through a glass of water. He nearly tried to make a left turn over a median he didn’t see, then he missed the turn to drop me off for the bus. He decided to pull over and have me drive. It was weird, driving with my dad in the passenger seat. It just wasn’t something the father I knew would have done. This once confident driver was unsure of himself enough to pull over.

We talked a little about my son and I think my father has been a somewhat unfair in his assessment of the situation but that’s his opinion, and there isn’t anything I can do to change it. It was emotional for me, I nearly blew up at him but somehow managed to avoid it. I simply explained the complicated situation my son is in, and how the mother of his children can’t be trusted with money which is why instead of paying a set amount in child support right now, he buys the kids whatever they need. It’s his way of ensuring their needs are being met. One thing my dad and my son can agree on is that the kids are the ones who end up at the shitty end of the stick in a case like this. I think my son would be better off paying a child support through the courts for legal reasons, but that’s just my opinion.

I’m not sure why but my dad brought up my ex-husband who recently lost half of his left leg below the knee. I expressed that it was karma biting him in the ass. Dad didn’t think it was very kind of me so I explained just how abusive my ex was and that I was suicidal by the time I left. Once again I had to regulate my emotions. I couldn’t allow my PTSD symptoms to take over so I took a couple of deep breaths, went to the washroom and changed the subject when I returned.

I’m very proud of the fact I was able to conduct myself with dignity and show grace towards my parents. I was able to access my emotions without losing my grip on them. It wasn’t easy but I managed. Knowing I had an appointment with my therapist upon my return helped.