Private school was quite the ordeal for me and I had already developped a “screw you” attitude. My first year there I largely followed the rules but doing homework and assignments was a different story. I got in trouble more than once and ended up with detentions quite often. My second year, on the other hand, was a completely different story.

My “screw you” attitude really took over in a big way. I started finding shady ways to get out of classes, I started stealing money from one of the foreign students, I started hanging around the “townies” and going to their houses (totally against the rules unless you have permission), drinking (huge no no). I missed dinner a time or two (mandatory attendance) and not doing homework continued to be a trend.

If that wasn’t enough there was this one time I missed a dinner or something mandatory on campus because I was holed up in a hotel room with a band. I was going run away from private school with the band and go to Montreal.

My best friend was called to the headmaster’s office and grilled as to my whereabouts. She finally conceded to take two of my favorite teachers to my location on the condition she would be the one to come in and get me. I very much did not want to go back to school but the alternative was to have the police collect me (I was like fifteen or sixteen and therefore still a minor).

I ended up being room confined for the final month of school that year. I couldn’t wait to get out of there but I still didn’t want to go home. My parents were advised I needn’t apply the following year as I would not be accepted.

Back home I started basically just doing what I wanted whenever I wanted. I was back in the public school system but I hardly showed up to class or did homework, naturally. There were times I wouldn’t come home for two or three days at a time, I started doing drugs and partying more; all of which are against the rules at home, of course. I don’t think there was even a single house rule I followed. I finally left home at seventeen.

Rules just were not my thing, they still aren’t but my attitude isn’t the same. I only use my rule ignoring powers for good. In the customer service and hospitality industries not strictly following rules is what made me excel in my role. I was able to satisfy some of the most difficult customers by convincing managers go wildly outside of procedure.

This song never ceases to uplift me and always puts a smile on my face.

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In October 2019 I was sexually assaulted by a man I thought was an old friend from back in the day. I didn’t report it until January 2020 and even then I struggled with whether or I was doing the right thing.

You see, this man had two kids, but his son dropped dead on his way to school. It was something to do with the child’s heart. He had also injured his back and became addicted to opiods and is on the methadone program. His daughter has been staying at the grandparents most of the time so he hardly saw her. He was pretty much a shut-in and wasn’t someone who would go out and do something like that to another girl. I used to go with him way back when and I honestly think he felt entitled. I’m not saying it’s okay or justified in any way but I am an empathetic person and can see things more than one way. He’s also kind of a simpleton so I doubt he understood what he was doing to me was wrong. I really felt sorry for him.

I worried about what of sexual assault charge and/or conviction would do to his mental health. In the meantime my mental health was suffering. I hadn’t even told my partner yet but my mind kept replaying that night over and over. I became more depressed and started drinking more than usual.

I finally broke down and told my best friend. I talked to her about my struggle with whether or not to report it. Her exact words were, “You can have empathy for someone and still put yourself first”. That hit me like a ton of bricks. I didn’t have to carry this alone. I told my partner and reported the rape. Nothing came of it, as I expected, but I took care of me. I got back into therapy in June 2020 and it’s been going well.

I’m finding this philosophy helpful in other areasmof my life too, especially when it comes to setting boundaries. It is often difficult and sometimes I feel like I’m being mean but my mental health comes first and I owe noone an explaination.

I have been reading this book called Boundaries, Where You End and I Begin by Anne Katherine. I was everywhere in those pages, she might as well have been writing about me. My boundaries are all over the place and sometimes there are none at all. I don’t always recognize boundaries in others, I literally have to be told. Other times I’m just as poor respecting them in others as I am setting them for myself.

Growing up I wasn’t really allowed to have boundaries and so I never learned how to develop them. What happened was I would lose myself in my relationships. I picked up characteristics of my partners until I no longer existed. Their friends became my friends and I had no friends seperate from the relasionships.

Boundaries with friends were also practically non existent. I guess the best way I could describe what having no boundaries with friends is: I left the bathroom door wide open while taking a big smelly messy noisy poop. Mind you, if a boundary of mine was crossed I would just get super angry but not understand why. I didn’t know I had boundaries and didn’t know how to handle it when they weren’t respected. I just lashed out like a hurricane spinning in all directions. It’s not something I gave a lot of thought to until I read this book.

I learned my boundaries with my children were too rigid and I was too distant. Now that my children are adults they are dealing with the fallout of the parenting they received and we are healing our relationships. It took a lot of work and self-acceptance to get to a point where I could recognize my own shortcomings as a parent without sending myself on an immense guilt trip (sometimes I still do though). In the present I can at least focus my attention on doing better as a grandparent and give the little ones a safe environment to explore and set their boundaries.

I’m figuring out how to set and manage my boundaries and it isn’t easy. People may get upset with me but their feelings are not my responsibility (boundary!). It’s hard speaking up and saying, “I don’t want to do that”, or “This is where I draw the line” but necessary for me to become a healthier person.

I’m also working on accepting boundaries of others. A friend suddenly stopped talking to me some time ago. I tried reaching out to her for a long time until she finally told me she had no desire to be friends anymore and did not want to discuss why. It drove me nuts not knowing why but she threw up a boundary and I wanted to show her I’d grown so I’ve respected her boundary and haven’t tried reaching out to her again.

In my my relationship with my partner I have kept up my own interests and kept my friends. He has his own interests and friends too. He and I aren’t even friends on any social media, there’s no need, he hates social media and we live together.

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I live in Nova Scotia and up until very recently we were doing okay with Covid-19. Our cases were low and we were even looking at opening the border with New Brunswick. I was looking forward to visiting my kids and grandkids but some idiots came here from out of province, did not isolate and went to a gathering. The Nova Scotians who hosted or went to the gathering were incredibly irresponsible thus the recent outbreak.

I am beyond angry. Like me, most Nova Scotians have been doing the right things all along and we took control of the first outbreak, and as we continued to do the right things we got ourselves into pretty good shape. But now, the selfish and irresponsible have ruined that for all of us.

These shutdowns have taken their toll on the mental health of so many people, myself included. We are social beings and need other people. We need out families and friends to be able to visit. I know we can still use zoom and video calls but it’s not the same, not even close. I haven’t seen my granddaughter in almost a year, it’s been longer for my grandson and I haven’t even met my other granddaughter.

My anger turned to rage this morning as there were over ninety new cases announced today. Because I feel it so intensely I need to do something with it before it drives me nuts. I basically have two choices; do nothing but complain and go insane, or take control and use the emotion to adapt. I’m choosing to adapt. What other measure can I take for my community, my home and myself?

My partner and I have decided I would be the only person to run errands and he would stay home, he is working from home (and probably won’t leave the apartment for the next while), I limit my trips, wash my hands a lot, I wear my mask everywhere, I haven’t had more than three visitors since the pandemic began (they visited more than once, my circle is just very small). I know it’s hard to hang in there, I’m sick of it too but we can do this and together we can get Covid-19 back under control if we all “Stay the Blazes Home!”

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I haven’t made a secret of having survived more than one sexual assault or that my older brother was one of the males who has molested me. I’ve also expressed the lack of justice for victims like me. It all still makes me so angry I vibrate and I feel like some vindication would help but none of my assailants except my brother are reachable. So my focus has been placed on my brother, what do I do about him? I’ll be honest, I’m kind of obsessing about it. Making significant decisions based on emotion (in this case anger) alone is one of the things that has caused me much grief, maybe not right then and there but eventually.

I want to talk about emotions for a moment. It’s imortant for me remember that my feelings are just that, feelings. There is no actual emergency, I just need to do something to regulate my emotions so I can think clearly. I need to honor my emotions but I don’t need to let them spiral out of control. I need to observe my emotions but I don’t need to judge them.

One of the things I learned in therapy is how to make a pros and cons list. This is basically mine in a nutshell, I may think of more stuff as I consider all of this but it’s a start: