I may not look like it but I am in constant pain. I frequently experience occipital neuralgia (shooting nerve pains in my head), widespread neuropathy and myalgias, muscle spasms, arthritic pain in my spine, and hip issues. I take a decent amount of medication for it but that only reduces it to somewhat of a dull roar. Where my body hurts is unpredictable and there are some good days but I am never free of pain.

Chronic pain can make a person lethargic and want to just sleep it away, I swear that’s the only reprive I get, sleeping. While not moving can sometimes feel better it leads to more stiffness, soreness and tension in the long run. This is something I’ve discovered in a most unpleasant way.

Since Covid 19 hit I’ve hardly worked out at all, and not at all for the past few months. My muscles are extra tight and I can really notice even walking just one block. I can feel my seized muscles reluctantly creaking to life and by the time I’ve arrived back at home I’m pooped and still freakin’ sore. My muslces will throb and ache along with my hips and back.

Working out a little every day (my preference is hot yoga) was helping with some of the muscle tightness though I still ached and throbbed. Massage therapy, chiropractic care and physiotherapy were also helping but, again with the Covid virus I’ve not gone this year. The unfortunate part for me is that no matter what I do I will always be sore and in pain, how much so is up to me.

My point is that in order to physically feel better I need to keep moving through the pain even though it hurts like hell. Staying still may feel good at the beginning but it hurts more in the end. I’ll be glad to be vaccinated, I’ll feel more comfortable going to physiotherapy, massage therapy and chiropractic care, and of course, hot yoga. In the meantime I am commiting to using Nintendo’s Ring Fit Adventure for some cardio and draw from my knowledge of yoga and physiotherapy to losen those knots. I will do this four days per week for a total of one hour each workout.

There are times it feels like triggers are everywhere,for instance my partner will say or do something seemingly innocuous but because of past trauma it sets off a reaction in my body; my heart races, I start to shake, sometimes I cry. The feeling that there’s a major emergency takes over and I freeze or run or fight (mostly just freeze).

As an example, I wanted to try one of the meal kits you order online so I placed an order for a three day’s worth of meals for two weeks. When my partner came home from work and I let him know what we were getting for dinners the following couple of weeks. His reaction was just to say that he wished I had talked to him about it first. Pretty reasonable request, n’est-ce pas? Well, my reaction was to cancel the whole order. It was too late to cancel for the first week but I did cancel the second right away. When I told my partner what I did he said that he had wanted to have an actual converstation about it, not to automatically have me cancel the order.

You see, I cancelled the meal kit order so there would not be an argument. I wanted to avoid any kind of conflict at all because conflict was what lead to boyfriends beating me up, or husbands becoming more mentally abusive and gaslighting me. No way did I want even one iota of conflict. It was a trauma response, hypercompliance, I believe it is called.

Hypervigilance is another trauma response and all it takes to trigger me is for a black GMC truck driving by and I have to check it out to make sure it isn’t my ex hubby number two. He doesn’t even live in the same province and has virutally no reason for coming here but my trauma response is to check it out and hide my face. Sometimes it doesn’t even have to be a GMC truck, sometimes it’s just a black truck. You see, he had chased me down the highway for an hour before I could lose him. It was terrifying and pickup trucks became a trigger.

When I am triggered I have to get a grip on reality before my fight or flight response takes over and creates an out of control reaction. Listening to music helps, and I have to check in with the facts. My ex has no reason to come to NS, my partner isn’t trying to start a fight, he just wants to discuss things, those are the facts and I must use them to convince the rest of me there is no emergency and I am safe. My triggers are likely to be with me for life and I have no control over when they will rear their ugly little heads but I sure as fuck can control my reaction to them, slow down and think about what’s really happening.

Miriam Webster defines family as: 1a: the basic unit in society traditionally consisting of two parents rearing their children. also: any of various social units differing from but regarded as equivalent to the traditional family, a single-parent family b: spouse and children.

But what about the less clinical definition I put upon the word “family”, and the importance I assign to it? There was a time I had two families, my birth family whom I met in my late twenties, and my adopted family who adopted me from birth. Now, I feel like I have no family. I am talking about my family(ies) of origin, not the family I raised, just to clarify.

What does our society say about family? That nothing is more important? That they always stick together no matter what? Members of a family support and love one another through all things? That we must forgive the transgressions of our siblings or parents just because they are related? They should be close and spend all the holidays together? I think the answer to all of these questions is yes.

Where did these notions come from? Leave it to Beaver, the Brady Bunch, Growing Pains, Family Ties, Family Matters, Modern Family, and even the Cosby Show back in the day. These types of shows sell us the idea most of a family’s issues can be usually be solved in an hour or less. Sometimes it can take two episodes if it is very serious.

I must concede the media isn’t the only reason our society believes what it does. There was a time when having a large family and staying close was important for survival. There may have been more mouths to feed at first but it turns into extra hands on the farm or in the field. This was as recent as when my parents were children. It was in everyone’s best interest to get along with one another and help each other. People nowadays have become more mobile than ever before, families are more scattered and there’s less need of large families but the same values still seem to apply.

What kind of magic does family hold for me? The child in me only wants to be seen, feel safe and loved. Had I felt any of this as a growing up I think I would have been a very different teenager and young adult. Instead I was full of pain and rage and I acted accordingly. So far, my family issues haven’t been resolved and it’s been over fifty years, never mind a couple of hours.

It’s that desire for that safety, love and acknowledgement I never got as a child that makes me miss having a family. I think I feel that way because I still hold on to some hope that things will change, that my parents will open their eyes and see me. What do I do about this inner child who still wants these things? The mantle falls to me to protect, nurture and love the little girl inside.

My biological mother and I haven’t spoken in years. My ex husband had a way of driving big wedges between me and the people in my life and I believe that’s what happened with her. I was twice tossed away now, she won’t get another chance. Her siblings haven’t spoken to me in about eight years as the only time they ever did was when we gathered at my biological mother’s on holidays, though one uncle and I still chat from time to time. According to him, she has withdrawn from the family since their parents passed away. Isn’t blood supposed to be thicker than water (or in this case ink)? Isn’t that what they say?

I haven’t spoken to my parents in months. They’ve never been the type to call me and the trend continues. I haven’t called them because of the pain it causes me. I used to try to fit in with them, I tried to be a good and supportive daughter but ever since my father and I had a falling out last June I’ve given up. Twenty years of doing better and living honestly didn’t earn me one bit of credibility or trust so maybe it’s time to walk away.

I know I’m leaving this at a place of hurt without a pathway forward to healing. That’s because I haven’t quite figured it out yet but I will.

I feel like people may have gone too far the other way when it comes to shame, and believe me it takes a lot for me to say that as my family was very shame oriented to the point of harm. That’s not the kind of shame I’m talking about. Most things should not be shamed; slut shaming, fat shaming, addict shaming, but if someone goes out and murders another person, I consider it shame-worthy. So is knowingly and deliberately breaking public health guildelines and rules of quarantine thereby causing an outbreak of a deadly disease.

I’ve seen license plates from other provinces but that’s not enough evidence to say the people have broken any rules. People may have moved here and observed all the rules but haven’t been able to get their plates changed over yet. They may even be visiting for a month, the first two weeks of which are in isolation. The only fact available to me is that the plates are from another province, period. If I’m that concerned I have the right to report it to the authorities, quietly, and let them invesitgate.

The students at Dalhousie University who had a party and flaunted their tickets saying it was worth it should be shamed and expelled from school. Their youth should not be an excuse, they are young adults and need to be held accountable. That being said I don’t agree with vigilante justice as in; violence, death threats or destruction of property. I also don’t believe that they cannot be redeemed in the future by demonstrating a profound change in their attitudes through their actions and behaviours.

Yes, they did apologize but wIthout action I can’t take their apology seriously. The way I see it they are only sorry they got called out on it. The facts I have are that the students showed a complete lack of respect for the health and well being of their community by gathering and flaunting their fines. There was no remorse at all, they said it was worth it. Not until there was a fear of real consequences did they apologize.

The way I understand shame is that it is an emotion imposed upon another person when they violate societal norms, family values and other external values. Some external, or societal norms are important for a society to function for everyone’s safety and well being. Nobody should be having a party while restrictions are in place due to a deadly virus. Other values are completely arbitrary, very personal and don’t necessarily serve the greater good, for instance shaming your adult child for leaving an abusive marriage simply because it goes against your belief system.

Shame can be adaptive or it can be harmful, context is everything.