Part I left off in a place of pain and I expressed that I didn’t have a path forward to healing. Before I can forge a path to healing I feel like I need to identify what it is I need to walk away from. From my picture of the ideal family I so desperately crave? From my actual family? From all of the above? What is it I need to do in order to be free to protect, nurture and love my inner child?

I’ve written off my biological mother and most of her family, except for the one uncle I talk to once in a while. It’s painful but there’s no point in chasing someone who doesn’t want to have a relationship with me. It’s like ceasessly striving and getting nowhere.

Walking away from the mental picture I have of the ideal family looks like it might be a step in the right direction. To do that I would have to shatter the illusion that an ideal family even exists. There is no June and Ward Cleaver-like parents with an endless supply of patience; you never heard them yelling. No older sibling who shows you the ropes and forgives you every single arguement. Maybe I just need to abandon the idea that my parents and siblings could be like that for me. Families are not neat and tidy like they show on TV, the closest I’ve seen to reality is on Shameless but that’s an extreme in the other direction.

I always felt like an outsider, like I didn’t really belong with my family. On holidays and occasions I was the person sitting alone in the corner, since I wasn’t in anyone’s age group nobody really wanted anything to do with me so walking away from my relatives doesn’t feel like a stretch. Walking away from my siblings doesn’t seem like too much of a stretch either, we’ve never kept in touch, there’s no reason for me to start now. The status quo can stay where it is.

I used to stay in touch with my parents and visit often but since that terrible conversation with my father last June I’ve barely spoken to them and each time I did, I ended up in tears. I’ve come to believe they will never validate my experiences or my feelings, it would mean admitting they were wrong about so many things and I don’t think they can do that. At this point in time it may be in my best interest to suspend communication with them for a while longer. I don’t feel ready considering every time I think about talking to them I get an angry feeling in my whole body. and it takes a bit to calm my nerves.

Still no clear path to healing but I’m still working it out and I’ll get there.

A setback is what I had in my post That Old Dialogue Living In My Head. Today is looking better and I am getting back on track.

I need to let go of the desire to control the outcome at all costs. It wouldn’t be helpful in the long run. Right now, I need to give my biological daughter her space and time to think without any pressure or expectation. It is hard and I really don’t want to but this is the part of healing that takes work. A meaningful relationship with her is more important than giving into the temptation of demanding an answer right away. I must be patient.

There were moments when it was all I could do to remind myself this was a setback, it was not my whole world crumbling. My biological daughter’s need for some time to think isn’t unreasonable and it isn’t the end of my relationship with her. She didn’t say good-bye forever.

I had to remind myself that others enjoy looking at, reading and listening to my creations. My art is not crap. I need to keep creating art and exploring different mediums and remember I don’t have to like my own art for others to enjoy it.

It was a rough few days but I am coming through on the other side and even started a new painting. I’ve started to clear the dishes and the laundry will get done in the next day or two, we still have plenty of clean clothes, towels and sheets.

Someone once told me no wise person has had an easy life and I can attest to that. Any wisdom I have comes from living several different lives in this one lifetime; from having to reinvent myself with each failed relationship, most of them abusive in one way or another; from trying one unhelpful coping mechanism after another; from fifteen years of marriage to an abusive narcissist.

I’ve tried the geographical cure, which inevitably happens with every break up; I’ve dated just about evey kind of guy imaginable ranging from a super fat guy out on parole from the penitentiary to an unemployed welfare bum (was married to one), to a self-made businessman (dated one and was married to one).

I’ve paid some heavy dues because of my life choices; the people I aligned myself with; and some circumstances beyond my control. I spent a long time suffering alone because I trusted no one and it has cost me any good relationships I might have had, and many friendships too. I have been heartsick and I have seen my world crash and burn many times but I have always risen from the ashes.

I’ve learned from others, by listening to their words and observing their actions. I’ve learned from their mistakes and their wisdom. I was schooled in how to pay attention by violence and learned compassion through suffering.

No, sir, wisdom does not come from having an easy life at all.

It’s been about a week since I posted anything and it’s been three days since I worked on anything for my blog. I’ll be frank, it’s been a two steps back kind of week, the non-linear messy part of healing and I’ve been in dumps.

I made myself quite vulnerable to my biological daughter whom my parents adopted and I received her reply and now I feel like I’ve been punched in the gut. We discussed boundaries on both sides in order for us to move forward with a relationship. I can respect hers, I don’t care who in the family she stays in touch with, including the lying coward also known as my older brother, but I also don’t want to hear about their lives.

It’s important to me that she believes me about what the lying coward did to me years ago, as nobody in the family did back then or now, apparently. I felt like she gaslit me by saying that she believes that I believe it happened but she couldn’t say if she actually believed me because she wasn’t there. I told her a relative I was and am close to was there and believes me, she knows how the family was back then, and now my biological daughter needs time to think.

I don’t have issues with her needing time to think about our respective boundaries but it indicates that she thinks I could and would lie about something like that. I’ve felt heartborken since and that familiar negaitive dialogue has take up residence in my head. I’ve been struggling with feeling worthy, loveable, understood, safe and valued as a human being. I’ve been questioning any talent I may have to write, or sculpt, or paint. I feel like it is all crap despite the reassurances of my partner and everyone else who has liked my “works”.

It’s been hard for me to face these past few days, the dishes are piling up, laundry should be done, I haven’t excercised like I planned, I’ve barely even cooked and though I have been trying to distract myself with some tv shows and video games it has only marginally helped. My province being in a lockdown for the past few weeks amplifies my dark mood even though weather has been mostly favourable.

I want to crawl back in bed and pull the covers over my head until forever passes on by.

Photo Courtesy of Pexels Free Photos

My granddaughter and her friend were just hanging out when my granddaughter decided she wanted to “practice her dancing”. The other little girl was kind of just sitting there with nothing to do so she decided to “practice her singing”. And that’s where things escalated quickly.

My granddaughter told, not asked, her friend to stop singing because she couldn’t concentrate on her dancing. Well didn’t that start an argument. My granddaughter flung her body onto the mattress in the room face down. When I didn’t pay attention to what she had done, she ran into her bedroom and slammed the door.

I still didn’t pay any attention to what she had done so she came out of the bedroom a little calmer, I sat her on my knee, hugged her, and asked what was up. She explained that she was dancing first but then her friend started singing so she couldn’t concentrate on her dancing. I asked her if taking turns would help but no, she just wanted to dance. Then I asked if timing their turns would help.

That’s when I took off my Fitbit and set the timer for five minutes and showed them how to reset it. I explained the fairest thing to do was to take turns and so everybody is even I gave my granddaughter my Fitbit. The timer made all the difference in world. Both girls were willing to comprimise and got time to practice their “perfomances”. I told the girls there is always a solution if we stop and think for a minute.

There are a few reasons I didn’t address the tantrum, not the least of which is recognizing there are factors that make us vulnerable to runaway emotions. One of the factors in my granddaughter’s tantrum was that she had been up later than usual the night before so she was exhausted and vulnerable to having such a tantrum.

We seem to expect so much more from our children than we do ourselves. I’m guilty of having tantrums even in my early 50’s. Not the slam-the-door kind but I do make the odd unnecessary snide remark, or cry out of frustration and anger. Being tired makes me vulenrable, just like my granddaughter.