I know it sounds ridiculous but kinky folks could really teach us a thing or two about consent. What kinky people refer to as “play” is negotiated before it can begin. The person who is the top or dominant will ask the bottom or submissive where they are allowed to touch and how. Safe words are agreed upon, most commonly used are; green for more/harder; yellow for slow down/ease off; and red for stop everything right now.

There are different types of top/bottom relationships ranging from master/slave relationships to casual play partner relationships and everything in between including monogamous and polyamorous relationships. Some top/bottom relationships go so far as to have contracts outlining what each partner is responsible for and what limits they have; a soft limit means the boundary may be negotiable in the future; a hard limit is an absolutely no way, not ever so don’t ask.

A contract might also cover anything from who does the dishes to how often they engage in play. It’s all about what two people decide between themselves and these limits are respected on both sides. If not, the kink community is pretty good about policing themselves and would expel that person from public events plus word would spread like wildfire. It is understood that consent can be withdrawn at any time, hence the safe word “red” for stop everything right now.

During conversations many people will communicate clear boundaries around what they will and will not discuss. For some, talking about any kind of domestic violence is triggering and they will let you know the subject is off limits.

Polyamorous relationships even have rules which have been negotiated in advance and revisited every time something changes. This is not to be confused with swinging, although there are limits in that world too. I’m talking about solid relationships that can go on for years. In a polyamorous relationship they might negotiate how many nights a week person A spends with person B and with person C, and so on. It’s all about consent.

I’ve had a few conversations with my estranged son recently. I’m taking advantage of the opportunity to listen, I mean really listen to him. The girl who accused him of touching her inappropriately has recanted her statement, my son is innocent as he has been saying from the beginning.

We talked about some of the steps he is taking in his life so that he and his girlfriend can move towards better mental health and stability for their children. I’m proud of him for going to counselling, it isn’t an easy thing to do, and it takes guts. I want to be a safe person for him to talk to; I don’t want to judge or give unwanted advice, at least not anymore.

He even called me last week because he was upset with his father. That’s the first time in years I heard my son cry. We had a good talk and he left the conversation feeling better. I’m looking forward to my upcoming visit with him, and meeting my little granddaughter for the first time and seeing my grandson for the second time.

This is the beginning of rebuilding a relationship with my son. It is going to take time and a lot of patience. It means letting him know I’m thinking of him without putting any kind of pressure on him to respond. I will need to accept his partner regardless of my feelings towards her. This is the woman he has chosen to share his life with and the mother of his children so she is a part of my family and should be treated as such.

“I am letting go of that which no longer serves me” is a mantra I often use when I meditate or practice yoga, I repeat it with every exhale and it’s been particularly helpful on days when I feel down on myself and struggling to practice self-compassion. It could mean letting go of a relationship, a grudge, a behaviour, self-doubt, pretty much anything under the sun.

Sorting through what serves me and what doesn’t can be kind of like picking fly shit out of pepper but I start by asking if it’s helping me grow or if it’s holding me back. Am I moving forward or stuck spinning my wheels in the muck?

It can feel scary letting things go. Sometimes holding on to something can feel so familiar and strangely comforting but it doesn’t enhance my life in any way. It does create a mental environment prefect for ruminating. If it feels too scary to let something go I remind myself I can take it back any time I want to, and whenever I do I repeat the process. The time it takes gets a little faster and it gets easier each time.

I’ll use the example of holding a grudge against someone. Frankly, it’s like pissing down my own leg. It starts off feeling nice and warm but soon turns cold and uncomfortable, and I’m the only one who feels it. Or, as I’ve heard quoted; it’s like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. And it keeps me stuck in the past without a way forward.

I had this boyfriend who, beat me up pretty badly. He actually choked me out a couple of times and thought he killed me. Do I hold a grudge against him? The short answer is no, it would eat away at me until there was nothing but bitterness left. Do I forgive him? I can if I want to but I don’t have to. Letting go of a grudge isn’t the same as forgiveness, there is a monumental difference.

The difference is that letting go is moving beyond the situation and not letting it influence or control thoughts, feelings and behaviours in the present or in the future. Letting go focuses on me and my mental health. Forgiveness changes that focus to whomever was unfair or hurtful. It’s for them, not me. I’ll never forgive that boyfriend (or any other abusive boyfriend) for what he (they) did; it took me years to finally let go so it does not influence my thoughts, feelings and behaviours in the present or in the future.

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I got a subscription to Disney+ more or less for my granddaughter for passing grade three. I got it about two weeks ago and my daughter still hasn’t told my granddaughter about it. I don’t even think she checked it out herself to see what she would and wouldn’t allow my granddaughter to watch (she is very Christian and limits shows and movies). She finally texted me about it this morning.

She said that they are trying to limit screen time as a family and wouldn’t get any use out of Disney+ (she also has access my Amazon Prime Video). There was a time I would have gotten upset and said something like, “Why not? There’s a lot of great stuff on there for kids. Why didn’t you say something sooner?”…etc…My feelings would have been hurt and it would have felt like a personal rejection. But…something changed…

First a little background: My children lived primarily with their father and I was the accessing parent. Their father is an alcoholic and was very controlling of them. My daughter witnessed what her older brother went trough when he tried to speak up and learned to keep her mouth shut. If we went to McDonald’s for a bite to eat she would have trouble communicating what she wanted, her father would just always order for her. I, on the other hand, would tell her to speak up and tell the lady at the cash what she wanted. Other times I would act rejected or hurt if she didn’t really want something I offered her. As a result she still, to this day, has trouble communicating what she wants and doesn’t want and it is with this understanding and my own personal growth that I was able to change the way I responded to her.

I let her know that I understood how hard it can be for her to speak up but I was glad she did. I told her there was no need to apologize as there are lots of things I would watch anyway so it isn’t a waste of money for me right now. I let her know I was proud of her for speaking up. This was a vastly different response than she would have gotten from me a couple of years ago.

I can clearly see her growth and the work she is doing, I’m so proud of her. I also see the growth in me vis a vis my reaction. I believe our own personal growth will only serve to strengthen our relationship and our bond.

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Dr. Gary Chapman, author of The 5 Love Languages, has identified (you guessed it) 5 love languages; acts of service; words of affirmation; receiving gifts; quality time; and physical touch. Everyone can understand all of them but everyone has a preferred way to give and receive love.

My granddaughter favours quality time above all else. She likes the rest of them well enough but spending quality time with her really tickles her fancy. She just eats it right up. Because I live in a different province I don’t see her as often as I like so I usually bring her a creative activity we can do together so then quality time, not the gift, becomes an act of love in a way she understands. She also loves to cuddle nearly as much.

My daughter understands love through words of affirmation. She has endured toxic behaviour from her father, my second ex husband, and me most of her life. She is in a position where words of affirmation and reassurance are vital to her understanding she is loved. That may change over time as she grows and changes herself.

My preferred methods of communicating and receiving love are through acts of service, words of affirmation and quality time (I did the quiz on the website linked on this page). This knowledge has empowered me to build better relationships with others and myself.

You can learn more at The 5 Love Languages website.

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