I’m cutting my visit short because my daughter decided to tell me after a few days of already being there that she couldn’t accept my marijuana use (I use it for pain and to be able to function) which put me in a bind. She claims she didn’t say anything earlier because she wanted to see me and since I didn’t have another place to stay I wouldn’t have been able to come if I couldn’t bring my weed.

She said she would accept CBD only but because there are benefits to the THC as well it’s like asking me to give up part of my medicine. She claims anything that is mind or mood altering is not acceptable. I told her everything I take is mind and mood altering; Gabapentin is a mind drug which can make things cloudy; Cyclobenzaprine is a muscle relaxer that fogs the mind and make me sleepy; Effexor is an anti-depressant; Abilify is an anti-depressant (it doesn’t get more mind or mood altering than that); my thyroid and progesterone medications help make me function; and weed, well, it does the same damn thing and helps with pain.

Trying to explain this to someone who only listens to religious nut-bars who think they know everything is an exercise in futility. I feel that my daughter is taking things too far with her biblical bullshit. Needless to say we had words. I had to leave there before I said something I really regretted beyond what I had already said in anger. I didn’t say good-bye to my granddaughter because I was so upset and angry with my daughter and son-in-law. It would not have a good scene for her to witness.

Adding insult to injury, on Friday night after some arguing with my daughter, my son-in-law said he could drive me to my son’s to visit my other grandchildren. Saturday comes and at the eleventh hour they decide to let me know they wanted me to to find another drive. If I was to leave her house, I had no place else to go, I can’t afford a hotel so I would have had to go home on the Sunday. Saturday would have been the only day I would have been able to see them and my son only has limited time with them, and they knew that. They knew I didn’t have any other means to get out to my son’s place that day.

I was furious and deeply hurt as I stormed out on Sunday. Thankfully my son offered me a place to stay so I did get to see his kids. I still hope I can go to my granddaughter’s birthday but I’m not holding my breath. I believe my granddaughter is upset with me because I didn’t say goodbye, she isn’t responding to my messages right now, and it’s perfectly understandable. I’m not sure if my daughter would welcome the idea of me being there anyway.

I met with my biological daughter for the first time in two years and since we’d barely spoken in the last few years it was a bit nerve-wracking for me. I may not have been the visit I wanted as her husband was to join us after work but I wanted her to feel safe and secure. and if that is what she needed, so be it. She did agree to meet a half hour before her husband was to join us and catch up a bit. I didn’t expect to have a long visit.

Before we even met I felt this visit should be short and sweet, and it was. We talked about how her boys are doing, how she’s been and we talked about art, hers and mine. We touched on how I’ve been and then her husband arrived. Then the three of us had plenty of laughs.

She’s become a full time artist, she sells her paintings and does some commissioned work. I told her I was kind of the same only because I paint every day, I don’t have another job and I’ve sold three paintings plus I have one commissioned job to work on when I get back. I’m on a much smaller scale.

She did confess she had been a bit nervous herself but left feeling encouraged and hopeful. I have to say I felt the same encouragement and hope. There were plenty of things to talk about besides the family, the past and our respective mental health issues. We were able to keep things light and on the positive side. And thus begins our journey to repair our relationship and it’s a big deal.

Next time I come up we’ll see each other again, maybe even take in a movie or something.

Consider the iceberg; about ninety percent of it is under water leaving only ten percent visible from the surface.

Revealing too much at once to someone I’ve just met has made me vulnerable to rumours and gossip among my so-called friends. It has also chased off some people who might have otherwise become good friends. I have a history of having poor boundaries and I would spill my guts to anyone who would listen. I would tell them my whole life story (mostly trauma) and if the other person had trauma too, we would bond over it. I felt rejected if the other person didn’t reciprocate by telling me all. Most “normal” people were put-off by these revelations and moved on.

I’ve learned to lead a conversation with my life as it is now but without tons of details, and to move forward with cautious curiosity. I open up little by little to people who take the same approach and we get to know each other and build trust. Then we can become good friends. It takes time and nurturing to build a friendship, it isn’t like; BAM! Nice to meet you, we’re the best of friends now so let me tell you about my life and you can tell me about yours.

I’ve learned the hard way that it is much better to leave parts of me concealed until a person enters my circle of trusted friends. I call it the iceberg rule. It can be hard to apply when I’m triggered and I feel compelled to explain my trauma response in great detail. In truth, I owe no one an explanation, I just need to manage my reaction.

The result has been fewer but better and more intimate friendships; a better and healthier relationship with my current partner than I’ve had with any other partner.

I’m gearing up to visit my adult children and their families at the end of the month and I’m super excited about it. It has been a year since I last visited with my daughter and granddaughter and longer than that for my biological daughter and my son.

My daughter and I talk almost every day and we’ve gotten closer than ever before. I can ‘hardly wait to visit with her family. That’s where I’ll be staying when I’m in New Brunswick.

As excited as I am at the prospect of seeing my biological daughter and my son I feel somewhat apprehensive. Up until a few weeks ago my son hadn’t talked to me in years. he’d been feeling abandoned by and angry with me. Instead of validating his feelings I argued with him and defended my actions. But I digress…

He’s recently started reaching out to me and I am able to validate him and see things from his point of view. He’s not in a good place in his life right now but he is working towards profound and lasting change. I worry I’ll say the wrong thing and set him back, or he’ll ask more of me than I am capable of giving. It will be like getting to know him all over again. I’ll also have to accept his girlfriend without conditions despite my personal feelings towards her.

Visiting with my biological daughter may prove tricky. I feel like there is a great chasm between us which is dangerous to traverse. There will be certain no-fly zones, things we simply can’t discuss. I want us both to feel safe being honest and genuine with one another. I really don’t want to talk about our parents or my brother or God, it would all be very triggering for me; and I’m willing to stay away from topics which may trigger her in any way.

What I can do between now and my visit is come up with a list of strategies for dealing with any moments I feel strongly triggered. Having a plan may just be the key to giving me enough confidence to approach reconnecting with both my son and biological daughter with patience and curiosity rather than fear and apprehension.

Lately I’ve been struggling to write, I’ve started and deleted this post a hundred times. I feel like I want to write but every time I sit down at my computer I draw a blank. I feel like I’ve been in a bit of a fog these past few weeks. I’ve been so exhausted and fatigued with muscle aches galore. My doctor sent me for bloodwork and the results came back.

My thyroid is off and I have deficiencies in vitamin D and B12. Never underestimate how these three things can create perfect storm of symptoms that can mimic things like MS, Epstein-Barr and Lupus.

A lot of my energy has been spent just keeping up with the housework, running errands and teaching myself painting skills and how to knit, and binge watching old episodes of M.A.S.H.

My partner and I shopped for and bought a house which took a lot of time and energy. I’ll be glad to get away from downtown but I will miss the convenience of having everything so close. Now it is packing and waiting until the end of October to make the actual move.So I’m probably going to be a little inconsistent on the writing still but I will publish as often as I can. Once the move is complete, I will be able to concentrate more on my blog and my other arts.

If you’ve been reading my blog, you know I paint and sculpt, etc… I ran out of room to put my paintings to dry so I put some on the ledges in the hallway. Oils can take a long time to dry so they’ve been there a few days.

I popped outside for a smoke and when I came back I noticed one of my paintings missing. It was a simple painting exercise from a book I’m using to teach myself some basic skills, and I painted two of the same. There’s nothing valuable or original about them but I guess someone liked them enough to swipe one. I just hope the paint was dry and they didn’t smear it.

A year or so ago I would have gotten angry and knocked on doors until I tracked down whoever stole it, and given them a piece of my mind. Instead, I laughed, I took it as sort of a compliment; and I understood someone might have thought the art was free to take because it was in the hallway. Besides, I have a picture of it.

Even funnier is the fact that as I was writing this blog two more paintings went missing. I am definitely the victim of art thieves. I wonder if I should have my future artwork insured….