But I was FREAKING OUT! My outside was calm as can be, but my insides were very shaky. When the staples from my recent surgery were taken out, there was some oozing of blood and a little puss. I was freaking out because it would be my luck it would become a bad infection. Just the potential to get worse is triggering for me but my family doctor didn’t think I needed antibiotics. She thought the issue would resolve itself. This was on a Monday.

Four days later there was still puss and blood oozing from the staple punctures, and I was in more pain than I expected at that stage in my healing. I had made a doctor’s appointment for the following Monday to see if she would change her mind on the antibiotics. I can’t have infections in my abdomen, I can’t go through cycles of infections and antibiotics, I just can’t.

My infection did worsen over the weekend so I called 811 on the Friday and spoke to a nurse who said I absolutely had to be seen before my appointment on Monday. I tried a couple of walk-in clinics but one was full and the other was closed. I ultimately went something called “my doctors online” and chatted with a physician who was able to prescribe an antibiotic.

The infection cleared up and I have a follow up appointment with my urologist this coming week but in the meantime I’m still FREAKING OUT! My incision is still quite sore and tender but there doesn’t seem to be any oozing puss.

Photo courtesy of Pexels Free Photos.

I’ve been keeping up communications with my parents on special occasions like birthdays and such. I’ve even visited them recently. My mother has gotten in the habit of telling me she and my father love me every time I call, and it always makes me a little sad.

Sometimes I want to scream at her and demand to know where this love was when I really needed it as a child. Even as an adult; where was this love when I had my breasts removed and needed help; when you were telling me how nobody in the family liked my children; when I left a fifteen year abusive marriage? Instead I weakly mumble “I love you too.”

Even after my recent surgery and subsequent infection my partner’s father texted or called me every day to see how I was feeling but did I hear one peep from my family? Nope. Mind you, they weren’t told about the surgery until after the fact but I did mention to my mother that I suspected an infection was starting. It’s painful to know that there was more empathy and concern from my partner’s father than from my own family. Maybe I should be used to it by now…

It takes a lot of effort to keep myself emotionally regulated and at the end of every conversation I shed a few tears. Sometimes they are angry tears and sometimes they are sad tears but I comfort the wounded child within and let her know she is safe now; I won’t abandon or hurt her. I remind my adult self my feelings are valid, and I try to avoid ruminating over the details of the past. I use self-soothing techniques to calm my nervous system. I honour my feelings and get on with my day.

I’ve been without a dog of my own for a little over seven years now, and I’ve missed having one but I didn’t realize how much until I had a furry four-legged houseguest for a week. My partner’s father had asked us to dog-sit his dog while he and his partner went on vacation. I was only too happy to do so, we had been talking about getting a dog so this was kind of a test to see if that is what we really wanted. And yes, we did want a puppy.

Wouldn’t you know my partner surprised me with the sweetest little puppy. She’s 3/4 Golden Retriever and 1/4 Poodle….and smart! I guess the look on my face when my partner brought in our new puppy in was priceless. We had discussed getting a puppy but that’s as far as we had gotten and so this was completely unexpected.

Our puppy’s name is Friday, as in the Adventures of Robinson Crusoe. She is aptly named because she is my constant companion. She is a joy to have and to look after, and she has done wonders for my anxiety and depression already. I feel so much better just having her around.

Studies have shown that having a furry (or feathered) companion alleviates loneliness, stress, and can keep us playful. I know I am always uplifted whenever I play with my dog and her antics make me smile. Dogs in particular are great for getting you outside for walks, regular exercise is a natural byproduct of doggie ownership.

Below is a brief article from NIH describing some of the potential benefits of owning a pet.

The Power of Pets

Photo Courtesy of Pexels Free Photos

I’m a fucking rock star! It’s been twenty-eight days and counting. I made it though the stress of my surgery (which went really well, by the way) without lighting up. It was exceedingly difficult. I managed by using the patch and lozenges; and the support of my partner and those close to me.

This is an insane addiction, not that they aren’t all a little more than crazy, but nicotine takes the cake. We have nicotine receptors in our system which makes it especially hard to give up; and don’t think tobacco companies aren’t always looking for ways to make their products more addictive.

If you have been following this topic, I didn’t use any of my own great suggestions (except writing in my blog) to beat tobacco…yet. I had just quit when I had a surgery come up which altogether put me into freeze mode. I couldn’t smoke in the hospital and when I got home I was coming off some powerful meds so I wasn’t able to smoke. I’m supposed to take it easy for the next few weeks so I can’t do some of the physical things I had suggested either.

At this time I am down to only using one milligram lozenges, no patch. I accelerated my own timeline because I want the nicotine out of my system as soon as possible. If you’re wondering how long you should use what kind of patch, talk to your pharmacist, they are a great resource.

A few years ago I did attend a smoking cessation support group through Mental Health and Addictions and they provided a prescription for the patch and lozenges for a maximum of six weeks. They estimated a person would be able to move to the next step every two weeks. The support group also met once a week, which I did find helpful. You could always try contacting your local Mental Health and Addictions team to see if they have a similar program, if you too want to give up this stupid addiction.

Click here for more resources by province (Canada).

As I was going into surgery for my bladder sling I felt very anxious but I tried to stay on the positive side keeping in mind that this surgery has a high success rate and is pretty routine for these doctors. Once I was on the table everything seemed to happen so fast; first, the oxygen; then, the anesthesia ; and then, I woke up.

I spent the night in the hospital and I was only able to leave after I could pee by myself. I was eager to go home so I was a model patient. Upon discharge I removed my bladder leak pad and headed home. I’ve been home just over a week now and so far, so good…I’ve had no leaks and no full on accidents. I can drink water without fear.

I am beyond relieved that the surgery is over and that it seems to have worked. I have an appointment soon to get the staples out, and in another few weeks I’m due to see the urologist who did my surgery. She will measure flow and scan my bladder. That should be the final step in this journey to dry pants.

I cannot stress enough how relieved I am…my whole nervous system is.

My surgery date for my bladder sling is no longer some date in the future, it’s less than a week away and this shit’s getting real. I got call from the hospital and I have a series of phone appointments starting at noon on Monday, then I have to go for bloodwork Tuesday and the surgery is Wednesday.

My nervous system went into overdrive I started to shake and was on the verge of tears by the time I hung up. I want to smoke; I desperately want and need this surgery to work; I want to crawl back in bed and pull the covers over my head until next week; I want to lash out at my partner for “making me” quit smoking.

How am I coping? I don’t know that I am. I’m binge watching the cheery little series, The Handmaid’s Tale; the kitchen’s a mess; I’ve barely cooked anything; I haven’t showered in days; I haven’t painted anything or even prepared a canvas. The best I’ve been been able to do is quick meals, takeout and frozen pizza; and taking care of the dog I’m babysitting. The rest of the time I feel frozen on the couch, unable to move or function much beyond writing my blog.

I have a lot to do before the surgery; I need to make meals for the freezer for my partner and me; I have to clean up the kitchen; I have laundry to do; and I have to tidy the rest of the house. It sounds worse than it is, but I am overwhelmed.

I’m so grateful for the support I have around me, especially from my partner. He’s the reason I’m not completely bat shit crazy. He knows I how I’ve been feeling and has been trying to keep my spirits up, he gave me an early Christmas gift to cheer me up. It was the iPad I’ve been wanting. I’m grateful for friends reaching out to me with words of encouragement and lending me their strength. I know these feelings are temporary but they are so fucking hard to manage.