The short answer is probably not. I mean, there are indeed horrible people in the world, and their actions can leave a lasting impact on others; don’t get me wrong. However, it’s important to recognize that most people are not as bad as they may seem at times. Many individuals are capable of change, growth, and understanding, and there’s a decent chance an ex-partner isn’t either. In fact, relationships can be complex, and negative experiences often stem from misunderstandings or temporary circumstances rather than true malicious intent. Whether it’s a lack of communication or personal struggles, it can be enlightening to view the situation with empathy and an open mind.
I have an ex-husband who treated me horribly during the fifteen long years we were together. I was gaslit nearly every day to where I started questioning my own sanity and even doubted my perception of reality. His manipulative behaviour twisted my thoughts, leaving me feeling lost and unsure of myself. He belittled me, even in front of my family, making me feel like they questioned my worth and ultimately strengthening his control over me. Everything in my life had to be about him or it was deemed unproductive and a waste of time, which led to a profound sense of isolation. I believe he is a narcissist, as he constantly sought attention and validation while disregarding my feelings and needs. Living with him felt like an inescapable nightmare, a dark cloud that overshadowed every moment of joy and happiness, making it hard to imagine a future free from his toxicity. I often found myself yearning for the day when I could finally break free from his suffocating grasp and reclaim my life and my sense of self.
Does my experience with him truly define him as a horrible person, or is it just easier to cast him as the villain in my tale? Perhaps, after our marriage imploded, he sought professional help, diving into therapy to unearth the demons festering within him. He might have changed, even healed, from the very influences that warped his behaviour, gaining insight into the patterns of his past that drove him to treat me like an afterthought. Yet, I struggle to believe in his transformation; my skepticism may be a bitter remnant of the unresolved pain he inflicted, a wound that shadows my view. So, do I cling to this image of him as a villain, a figure etched with betrayal and sorrow, or do I dare to wrestle with the notion of compassion, recognizing that perhaps he is ensnared in his own troubled reality, battling his demons in ways I can’t fully grasp? This internal struggle is a relentless tug-of-war, forcing me to confront the tangled web of letting go.
I have an ex-boyfriend who believes I’m a terrible person. Our relationship crashed and burned during one of the darkest phases of my life, a whirlwind of confusion and emotional chaos. My behaviour spiralled out of control, fuelled by a tempest of feelings I couldn’t rein in, and he insists I cheated on him during that messy period. Sure, the timing of my “adventures” raises eyebrows since we were already on the brink of breaking up, but I get why my actions felt like a knife to his heart. I’ve since been slapped with a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder, PTSD, depression, and anxiety – all of which added fuel to the fire of our toxic relationship. Back then, I relied on unhealthy coping strategies like dodging my emotions, partying like there was no tomorrow, and desperately seeking validation from anyone willing to give it, which only escalated the drama. Now that I’m reflecting on it all, I can see I was grappling with some seriously deep-rooted issues that wreaked havoc not just on my mental health, but also on my relationships with the people I cared for.
Does my past behaviour truly define me as a horrible person? I’ve made choices that undoubtedly caused my ex-boyfriend pain, and, believe me, I’ve thought long and hard about the ripple effects of those actions—not just on him but on my life as well. Acknowledging my mistakes has been a wake-up call and a critical part of my transformation; I didn’t just sit idly by. I’ve sought and received therapy for my disorders, arming myself with the tools to dig deep into my behaviour and uncover its underlying causes. Every single day, I wield my therapy toolkit like a weapon against my old self, incorporating strategies that demand self-awareness, empathy, and personal growth. Now, I can assert that I’m not the same person I was during those dark days; I’ve chosen to challenge myself, embrace change, and strive for an evolved version of me, prioritizing kindness and understanding while navigating this complex world.
At the end of the day, it can be easier to villainize the other person after a painful break-up rather than look at some of the underlying causes of their behaviours and view them as human beings with their own demons to slay. In the aftermath of a relationship, emotions run high, and it becomes tempting to cast blame solely on the other party. However, we often overlook the complexities that shape a person’s actions and reactions; everyone carries their own baggage, insecurities, and fears that can influence their behaviour in significant ways. I’m not excusing any behaviour, as everyone should be accountable for their actions, but what I’m suggesting is that taking a more compassionate look at the other person, understanding that they too may be grappling with personal challenges, might help us move on without anger or resentment. By recognizing our shared humanity, we can create space for healing, not only for ourselves but also for them, allowing both parties to learn and grow from the experience rather than remain stuck in bitterness.
My Phoenix Rising 