I have PTSD, Borderline Personality Disorder, Chronic Depression and General Anxiety. Each disorder poses its own challenges and sometimes they cross over.
PTSD makes it hard to go out anywhere. I’m constantly afraid I’ll have an urge incontinence accident. I was always punished for them as a child. Sometimes it was with a leather belt, sometimes it was a wooden spoon, other times it was a bare hand. It was often accompanied by name calling and cursing me out. I’ve had accidents in public before and not only is embarrassing, it’s triggering. I get flooded with unwanted memories and feelings. It’s like reliving the worst parts of my childhood.
That’s not the only trigger to my PTSD. I survived years of physical abuse from different boyfriends and endured fifteen years of mental abuse from my second husband. Any type of confrontation is extremely triggering. I avoid speaking up for myself a lot, and for easy things like making a warranty claim on a broken product, or sending something back at a restaurant, or even getting information from the Canada Revenue Agency. I still have nightmares of the past.
Intense out of control emotions are part and parcel of having Borderline Personality Disorder. So is erratic self destructive behaviour, having two self-images from one extreme to another (one minute I’m awesome and the next I’m not worth shit), and a history of unstable relationships. There are a few other symptoms but this is a super long article. I work hard to keep my symptoms under control, using every tool available to me. I’m not always successful but I’m better than I used to be.
I also suffer from chronic depression and anxiety. The depression makes it hard to get out of bed some days. I don’t have a lot of days where I feel good, most of them I feel kind of on auto-pilot. I spend so much time mindlessly binge watching tv shows on one streaming service or another, and scrolling through social media. I’m no longer suicidal but that doesn’t mean I’m in a great place. I’m not sure I ever will be but I’ve accepted that. I work with my depression. It’s not like I’m resigned to it.
I make the effort to get out of bed, get dressed and brush my teeth. I try to do things that distract me from my mood such as painting, listening to music, writing, playing with my dog because brooding just intensifies the depression. I’ve recently gotten back into cooking. For years, I hardly cooked unless it was quick and easy. I’m starting with simple recipes and finding some joy in it. Seeing my partner’s reaction to something I’ve made is rewarding for me.
The anxiety I feel when I have to go out into the community can be overwhelming. I hesitate to make even the most important appointments as it means I have to leave my safe space. I become anxious when I have to deal with people who are not known to me. I used to be more outgoing but after the mental abuse I’ve avoided situations where I would have to interact with strangers, if I can help it. Even at the grocery store (when I do go), I let my partner do the talking. I generally just keep my head down and avoid eye contact with the clerk. I continue to work on that through self-compassion exercises.
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My Phoenix Rising 