I’m glad I made it to my uncle’s funeral. It was a sad occasion and my heart truly went out to my aunt and cousins. They’re a close family. I briefly said hello and offered my sympathy as this was a busy time for them. Their day must have been just so exhausting.
I had been anxious about seeing my older brother and having to spend any time in his proximity. I was worried about having an emotional or physical reaction to the trigger but I was cool as a cucumber. He was a pall bearer so he didn’t sit with the rest of the family, which worked out well for me. I didn’t have to pretend to be pleasant. At the reception, however, he was standing by my parents when I went over to let them know I was leaving. I didn’t even acknowledge his presence.
As I didn’t get to use Mom’s car because my sister had it, I had to rely on others for transportation. My sister came and picked me up so I could visit with my parents for a bit. It gave us a chance to chat and she was understanding of the fact that I had some mental health issues which took a long time to learn how to handle. I found out that she had actually tried to get in touch with me about an important family gathering a couple of years ago but my youngest daughter said it wasn’t her job to give me the message. It wasn’t that nobody wanted me there, it was a lack of my older sister’s ability to get in touch with me. But I digress…Yes, my older sister and I are okay….we’ll never be close but she doesn’t appear to be harbouring any ill feelings towards me.
It was a short visit with my mother and father but relaxed. They were tired after the funeral. Mom and Dad are declining in their old age. The usual tornado of feelings I go through before a visit seemed to dissipate when I actually saw them. Dad was falling asleep sitting up and Mom shuffled around to her chair with her walker.
My sister wanted a family meeting to discuss strategies on how we can keep our parents in their home safely. I wasn’t able to attend because I had to be back home for an MRI. I won’t lie, it was a relief that I couldn’t be there for this meeting, assuming it happened at all. I don’t want to be around my older brother if it can be avoided. I did, however, have to unblock him from Facebook in order to participate in the family chat my sister started via Messenger. I’m keeping my focus on my parents and their needs. The nice thing about Messenger is that it doesn’t require a rapid response. I can pause and think about what I want to say without getting emotional or allowing my triggers to rule my communication or actions.
Staying at my oldest daughter’s place felt a little awkward at first but I did loosen up after the first night. She and her husband are warm caring people and made me feel welcome. On my last night there she came to me and we talked about having a closer relationship. It was amazing. I had hoped that one day we could be close again in a healthier, non-dysfunctional way. We’ve both grown and changed over the last few years and it was evident so maybe now is the time to really reconnect.
I did manage to see my son and youngest daughter. As it turned out my son was within walking distance of my oldest daughter’s place so I went over for a visit. Unfortunately I didn’t get to see his kids as they live out in the country, wayyyyy out in the country. I went to my youngest daughter’s place and saw her family. My grandkids sure have grown.
I came home feeling positive and hopeful. My next trip up won’t be so anxiety provoking.
My Phoenix Rising 