My uncle recently passed away and I’m making the trip to the funeral. It will be the first time in over ten years that I will have seen or spoken to most of my family. My anxiety is skyrocketing, old feelings are resurfacing and, frankly, I’m afraid my family thinks I’m bad and doesn’t want me around. I’m full of self-doubt and trepidation. So why am I even going? I am still family, I can still pay my respects to a man who I remember very fondly.
A lifetime of mental health issues and the resulting erratic self-destructive behaviours I exhibited over the years have cost me a great deal; jobs; friendships; relationships; and family connections. I have complex PTSD and borderline personality disorder plus I suffer from depression and anxiety. After a fight with my father a few years ago, I cut everyone off of my Facebook, even all of my cousins. It wasn’t like I had a close relationship with any of them but it was nice to at least be somehow connected….that being said, I made that particular mistake during an emotional crisis.
I feel kind of sheepish about approaching my cousins. I’ve just reconnected with two of them on Facebook even though I haven’t sent them a message yet (it was their father who passed away). I’m afraid I’ve been labeled as an unstable troublemaker, it may not be the case but my fear is real. But that’s not the main source of my anxiety. My older brother will be around. I don’t want to see him but it is inevitable.
He continues to lie about molesting me when we were younger and my folks continue to believe him over me. The last contact I had with him was when I was very emotionally dis-regulated and I was harassing him via text message. It was a few years ago when I had poor control over my impulses. Years of therapy has changed that however I still experience strong emotions about the whole ordeal.
As I am already somewhat triggered just at the thought of running into him I am searching through my therapy books for strategies on handling overwhelming feelings in the moment. I don’t want any overwhelming emotions to take over my mind or body so I’m preparing in advance. I’m planning polite exit strategies so I can avoid my older brother whenever possible. Finding the ladies’ room will be key. I’ll be able to take a moment if I need one.
I’m stressing, as I always do, about seeing my parents. It’s always difficult for me. My feelings towards them are complicated. I’m working through deeply rooted feelings of rejection, inadequacy, sadness, anger, insecurity and hurt. These feelings aren’t new, they are all part and parcel of my disorders. I have to work through them whenever they come up, which thankfully is less frequently. They are intensified right now because my older brother and sister will be around (she and I just never really got along).
There’s another added pressure in this trip. I won’t have the cottage so I’ll be staying at my oldest daughter’s place for three nights. She’s the daughter I gave up for adoption to my parents. I haven’t spent that much time with her since I left my husband in 2013. At that time we bonded in a very unhealthy way by drinking and picking up guys. In 2017 I fell into a deep dark depression. She tried to help but I wasn’t responding well and she was going through her own struggles. Things eventually got to the point where she didn’t want to hear any more about my childhood trauma. My perspective didn’t paint the mother she knew in the best light. She had to set some boundaries for her own mental health, I don’t blame her. Since then I haven’t been close to her. I felt like I had completely lost her support. Now, it’s more like I need to keep up a brave face in spite of any inner turmoil I may experience.
This trip will definitely be a mega test of my medication and the tools I’ve learned in therapy. I’ve considered not going but I don’t want to be the only family member who’s a no show. My uncle was a good man and though I lost contact long ago I remember him as being kind and patient, and I’d like to say good-bye. I’d like to see my aunt and cousins and offer my condolences in person.
My Phoenix Rising 