I stopped by the farm every day I was in NB and saw my parents. It was uncomfortable at times, my emotions threatened to take over more than once. There were moments I nearly started to cry but I was able to reign myself in fairly quickly. My parents are not emotional people.
Mom: Old age has slowed my mother down but nothing so much so as Covid. She hasn’t been the same since she’d been sick. She’ll never drive again, I had to take her to church a couple of times. She appeared laboured as she shuffled from task to task, and needed someone to do things for her that she used to do with ease and with a baby on her hip. I was taken aback by the change in her.
This wasn’t the same mother that spanked me or yelled at me that I was a piss pot, or a selfish, self-centred little girl, and who always seemed to be cross with me. This was a frail old woman who could barely pour a cup of tea. She needed help tidying a bedroom for my aunt’s upcoming visit, it felt like it took us an hour to do something that could have once been done in minutes.
I struggled to contain my emotions, especially when she said triggering things like how my son had said some things to my dad they found hurtful. I wanted to tell her how hurtful they’ve been to my kids their whole lives by treating them differently than the rest of the grandkids. My parents have done very little for my kids, maybe a Christmas or birthday present up until they became teenagers (they also stopped coming around) then nothing…. I wanted to blurt out that they’ve always punished my children for who their father is…but I digress….
I told myself it would do no good to confront my mother with my feelings about the past. It would just upset her and I would get shit on, again. I was angry that I’d never be able to clear the air but I kept my feelings to myself, and shut down any threat of tears. I made time to deal with my emotions later and with someone I knew would understand.
Dad: There’s a noticeable difference in my dad too. He’s not as slow as Mom but he has significantly aged. He’s become hard of hearing, so much so that he really should get a hearing aid but is deterred by the cost. His vision hasn’t been the greatest since he had the cataracts removed. He’s got fluid on his eyes so everything appears as though he’s looking through a glass of water. He nearly tried to make a left turn over a median he didn’t see, then he missed the turn to drop me off for the bus. He decided to pull over and have me drive. It was weird, driving with my dad in the passenger seat. It just wasn’t something the father I knew would have done. This once confident driver was unsure of himself enough to pull over.
We talked a little about my son and I think my father has been a somewhat unfair in his assessment of the situation but that’s his opinion, and there isn’t anything I can do to change it. It was emotional for me, I nearly blew up at him but somehow managed to avoid it. I simply explained the complicated situation my son is in, and how the mother of his children can’t be trusted with money which is why instead of paying a set amount in child support right now, he buys the kids whatever they need. It’s his way of ensuring their needs are being met. One thing my dad and my son can agree on is that the kids are the ones who end up at the shitty end of the stick in a case like this. I think my son would be better off paying a child support through the courts for legal reasons, but that’s just my opinion.
I’m not sure why but my dad brought up my ex-husband who recently lost half of his left leg below the knee. I expressed that it was karma biting him in the ass. Dad didn’t think it was very kind of me so I explained just how abusive my ex was and that I was suicidal by the time I left. Once again I had to regulate my emotions. I couldn’t allow my PTSD symptoms to take over so I took a couple of deep breaths, went to the washroom and changed the subject when I returned.
I’m very proud of the fact I was able to conduct myself with dignity and show grace towards my parents. I was able to access my emotions without losing my grip on them. It wasn’t easy but I managed. Knowing I had an appointment with my therapist upon my return helped.
My Phoenix Rising 