So, I Guess We’ll Catch Up

I was chatting with my Godmother the other day and she mentioned she ran into my younger brother at a neighbour’s funeral. They ended up chatting about me and he expressed interest in connecting with me. I don’t remember him being cruel growing up so I thought what the harm, and I reached out via Facebook. He got back to me right away and since he will be home at the same time as my visit we agreed to catch up. The last time I saw my younger brother was Christmas of 2013 and the last time I had any contact with him was in 2017.

I have some feelings about seeing him after so long and I’m trying to sort them out. The last time I saw him was at Christmas dinner at my parents and he boldly asked me why I didn’t take my septum piercing out, out of respect for our mother. I felt judged and belittled for my personal choice to have my septum pierced.

We didn’t speak again until 2017, not because of any disagreement or anything, we just aren’t close. I sold him my kayak and had questions about our childhood. I remember next to nothing about it except the trauma. I explained I was going through a severe depression and my mental health was not good. I was in a dark place. He said he loved me and I gave him my phone number and that was the last I heard from him.

I feel a little trepidatious, I’m not sure what will come up for me, I’m having potential conversations in my head, rehearsing, if you will. I worry that I might have an emotional melt down and run him through everything I’ve been feeling for the last fifty plus years. I worry he something might come up that’s very triggering for me. I mean, I did cry and feel emotional after our brief superficial exchange on FB so it makes me wonder how emotional this reunion will be.

I worry he might judge me for my relationship with a much younger man. At the end of the day it really doesn’t matter what he thinks but I still don’t want to be judged for it. I question how much I should edit from my story or even if I should tell him anything at all. Do I keep the conversation steered toward him or allow it to drift over to me once in a while? I’m probably overthinking this but that’s what I do. I overthink things. Then again, it’s better to be prepared than not.

In the meantime, I cope by planning my exit strategies; if we meet at his place I can leave if need be; or if we meet at the cottage I’ll need to change subjects and let him know the topic is off limits if something I’m not prepared to discuss comes up. I cannot control what he says or does but I can control what I say and do. I guess we’ll see what happens when we meet up later this month.