The Ire Of Others

All it takes is for someone near me to appear to be angry or upset and I immediately go into fight, flight or freeze mode. They don’t even have to be upset or angry at all, they just have to appear that way. My heart threatens to pound itself out of my chest, I hold my breath, and I start to feel shaky inside. I feel as though I need to “fix” whatever is wrong.

A good example is when I visited with my son a couple of years ago. His partner (ex-partner now) and he had a disagreement in front of me. My son wanted to spend some money on chicken breasts and his partner wanted him to spend the money on taking the kids to the Exhibition. It was a matter of fifty dollars. My son’s partner got upset with him. The situation had nothing whatsoever to do with me but I felt a desperate urge to “fix” it so I forked out fifty dollars to keep the peace.

Sometimes when my partner becomes frustrated with a video game or work he will curse the thing out. There’s nothing wrong with him expressing his frustration and he’s not directing anything towards me but I freeze anyway. I want to be a helper or shrink into the background.

In these moments I need to self-regulate by turning my attention inward to what I’m experiencing and taking an inventory of my symptoms. I try to lower my heart rate by releasing the air trapped inside my lungs, with a deep quivering breath in and out I drop my shoulders from around my ears and still the shakiness inside. I have to remind myself that it’s not my responsibility to fix everything. I try to change my thoughts from, “oh my God! Shit’s gonna hit the fan and somehow it’s my fault!” to “not my circus, not my monkeys.”

If I don’t self-regulate my symptoms worsen which can land me in some pretty hot water. Let’s say my partner is getting pissed off at a video game and I don’t self-regulate I might end up getting pissed off at him for getting pissed off at his game. I might say something like, “why are you even playing that game if it’s pissing you off?” or, “for fuck sakes! It’s just a game.” (As a side note, game rage is a real thing.) This kind of approach could easily lead to an unnecessary argument where my wildly out of control emotions would take over and I would likely end up doing or saying something regrettable.

When I’m regulated I’m more likely to respond to his game rage by validating his feelings. I might say something like, “that looks frustrating but you’ll get it.” And go do something else for a while thus leaving my partner to his game and free to express his emotions without fear of triggering me.

So, you see, the ire of others stirs up a mass amount of anxiety but thanks to years of therapy I’ve gotten a lot better at handling it. I may still freeze but it’s for a shorter period of time and my response is vastly different.