For a very long time I thought I could cure my then undiagnosed PTSD, borderline personality disorder, depression and anxiety but there is no cure. There is only treatment and therapy to manage triggers and symptoms. Healing from trauma looks a lot different than I thought it did.
Healing is not linear, some days it feels like I’m going backwards. I’m easily dis-regulated and my symptoms overwhelm me. I feel like sleeping a lot, I can’t stay awake to save my life. And when I am awake, I brood or mope. I feel frozen in place and nothing gets done around the house, not even a simple home cooked meal. I might get the dog out for a short walk or I take her to the daycare across the street.
Other days I feel ready to take on whatever comes my way. I feel stable and content. The kitchen is tidy and I make something yummy for lunch and supper. I’m still sleepy but that’s just the medication, not the medication plus mood. I get out to run my own errands and not rely on my partner to do so. I take my dog out on a long walk on the nature trail nearby. Hell, sometimes I even shower on my good days.
I tried to eliminate bad days from my life by pretending they didn’t exist because I thought once I got better, there wouldn’t be any more. I’d be done with bad days, bad memories, bad feelings, and I’d be over the trauma. But noooooo, that’s not how healing works and I need to be okay with that.
Trying to find a cure only prolonged and exacerbated my suffering. I tried the geographical cure only to find wherever I went, there I was, along with all my trauma. My then undiagnosed PTSD, borderline personality disorder, depression and anxiety defined my behaviours, which proved to be impulsive and destructive.
My hard-won understanding of healing is gaining the ability to utilize tools to ease any suffering I may be experiencing. There will always be triggers out in the world and to stay home forever or expect others to change their behaviour to avoid triggering me is unrealistic. Healing is taking responsibility for my reactions and behaviour, managing my triggers and regulating my emotions. It’s taking my meds as directed. It’s gaining the ability to be more compassionate and less judgemental towards myself and others.
My Phoenix Rising 