That is if fine were an acronym for fucked up, insecure, neurotic, and emotional. I have more than a few stressors in my life at the moment and they are weighing heavily on me.
For starters, I need to have most of my remaining teeth pulled and get a full set of top dentures and a partial set for the bottom. It will be done at the dentist’s office instead of the hospital. Having it done at the hospital would be a pain in the ass. I’d have to go for a consult and then the extraction, and they make you wait. It could be months before I have the actual surgery. This new dentist I saw can have them out in a couple of appointments and she can make my dentures in house. I’m glad I got a second opinion but I still have a decent amount of anxiety around having my teeth removed.
The bladder sling surgery was a success but I still suffer from urge incontinence and am on a waiting list for botox injections directly into my bladder. I’m currently taking two different medications which are suppose to help with the urge incontinence but I don’t think they’re doing anything. It really affects my quality of life, I don’t want to go far, I always need to be close to a bathroom. That means my partner does the grocery shopping, takes care of running errands. We don’t go out for dates because I have that worry of not being able to get to a bathroom in time.
I’m trying to lose weight, which will also help with the incontinence, but I don’t seem to be getting anywhere. I haven’t gained anything but I haven’t lost anything in the last twelve weeks either. I’m trying to be compassionate towards myself but I have days where I am hard on myself. My inner inner mean girl is a real bitch. Chocolate is my kryptonite and my inner mean girl picks on me about my addiction. She calls me names like pig and says I’m fat and weak. I’m working on my addiction to chocolate and trying to stay positive in spite of her.
My doctor has sent a referral for me to be assessed for ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder). I have a sneaking suspicion I have it. My mother said the doctors told her I had a chemical imbalance and ritalin would help but I would have to be on it for life. If left untreated I might grow out of it but my mother doesn’t think I ever did, even as an adult. Two of my biological children have it and the third has ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) and there is a strong genetic component. I have some anxiety around the assessment but I’m happy to go through with it. If I do have ADHD it would answer a lot of questions.
Finances are always a thing with me. I worry about getting over my head in debt. It’s happened twice already and my parents have helped me pay off my credit card debt. I’m well on my way for a third time. I’m on a fixed monthly income and between helping my children and friends out a bit I don’t have much cash left for me so I end up using my credit card and then not paying it all off when the statement comes in and the balance slowly grows. I hate carrying a balance but I frequently do. Anyway, I can’t say no if I’m asked or if I know someone is out of food I will send them some money if I have any, I’ve literally sent my last twenty bucks to a friend in need. My adult children don’t pay it back and I don’t expect them to. My friends pay me back as soon as they are able but sometimes it leaves me short for my own bills.
Did I mention that my fixed monthly income is long term disability insurance through my employer? The insurance company has asked me to apply for Canada Pension Plan Disability, which I did and was denied. That’s when the insurance company reached out to the Disability Claims Advocacy Clinic and we filed an appeal. The tribunal hearing of my appeal will take place mid-January, at which time I will have no top teeth. It should be interesting.
My house is still in disarray from the flood in the basement in June which triggers me. My ex wanted to renovate our house but by the time I left there wasn’t much left to the interior of the house, it had been practically gutted with nothing being rebuilt. This is a very different situation with a very different partner and the good news is that the contractor can start the renovations before Christmas. I won’t have to live with the house like this much longer, thank goodness.
I don’t think parents ever stop worrying about their kids no matter the age. I worry about my son and his situation with his ex and their kids. The mother borders on unfit, the children were already taken away once. Frankly, the children would be better off with my son, and he is working on getting into a position to take them.
I worry about my daughter and granddaughter’s mental health. My daughter is dealing with some mental health issues but she is doing everything the doctor told her to do. I worry about my daughter and her husband being able to support two kids now that the new baby is here, they struggle so much financially. I often send them small amounts of money but it does add up.
To make matters worse Child Protection Services was called on my daughter. My daughter and her husband are not neglectful or abusive in any way, shape or form. They are good parents but my granddaughter may have said something about having no food when they actually have food but it just isn’t what my granddaughter wants. I remember being a kid and saying there’s nothing to eat in the house because there was nothing I wanted.
How am I coping with all of this? Some days I’m not sure that I am. Other days I distract myself with painting, writing, going for walks, training my dog, and volunteering my time to help the homeless whenever possible.
My Phoenix Rising 