So I just got off the phone with my son. He is going through a break up with the mother of his two children and her girlfriend. For the sake of this article we’ll focus on the mother of my grandchildren and my son, and how their situation is highly triggering for me.
First, a little of my history. I was recovering from a double mastectomy and reconstructive surgery when I sent my children to live with their father. Added to the surgeries, my boyfriend at the time beat me up in front of my children. There was no way I could go back to the women’s shelter with the kids, which is where I went when I left ex-husband number one. I just couldn’t do it mentally so I sent the children to live with their father, it was supposed to be temporary but he conned me into signing something that basically gave him full custody.
Ex-husband number one was never one to show any interest in working. He and I survived on a monthly welfare check for the duration of our relationship. He was controlling, mentally abusive and very jealous. After I left he harassed me and played endless head games. They didn’t stop until the kids became adults and he could no longer manipulate them or use them as leverage.
I remained in Ontario for a few years after my children went to New Brunswick with their father. Whenever I visited it was so hard to leave my kids behind. I ultimately ended up moving to NB to be closer to them.
At present my son is staying with a friend in NB (I currently live in NS). He’s broke and hasn’t worked in a very long time. Until recently he was living out in the country with no vehicle so there wasn’t any opportunity for him to get a job. As a family unit he and his partner survived on a monthly welfare check. My son is currently looking for employment as he is now staying within the city.
My son feels as though his exes are playing head games with him and he has a hard time leaving his kids behind after every visit. A lot of parallels can be drawn between his situation and mine back when I was the accessing parent. He calls me often to vent about his situation and how hard it is to leave his children behind. It triggers me pretty severely but because of many years of therapy I have tools to deal with it better.
I get flooded with unwanted memories and feelings. Sometimes I want to ask my son if he now understands what I went through but that’s really not going to help anyone. Instead I listen with empathy and without making comparisons, I work at staying in the moment. I don’t make his situation about me.
Once we’ve hung up I take the time to deal with my unwanted memories and feelings. I try to remember to use the same compassionate words and tone with myself as I do with him.
My Phoenix Rising 