Just Wow!

While I was visiting close family friends I found out that my parents had a 60th wedding anniversary party last year. I was obviously not invited or even informed of the celebration.

I pretty much cut my siblings out of my life, it’s not like they were even in it to begin with. I blocked them on Facebook after my father and I had words about my lying coward of an older brother. Long story short; my older brother molested me and nobody believes me, not my parents or my other siblings. He does that to me and I’m the one who gets shit on. I should be used to it by now, it’s always been that way. He’d spill milk and blame me, and of course, mom always believed him. She always took his side in every dispute as far back as I can remember. He’s the golden boy. I’ve been branded a liar and who knows what else by my family.

Even though I cut my siblings out of my life, I’m still my parents’ daughter and should have at least been informed. I probably wouldn’t have gone knowing that lying coward was going to be there.

The eldest of the family is my sister, and she organized the event and deliberately left me out. If I was to be invited she could have found a way to get in touch. I unblocked her and sent her a message asking why I was excluded. She’s obviously ignoring me. My behaviour around being ignored by my sister is different than it might have been a few years ago. I am not harassing her with endless messages or trying to reach her by phone. I sent two messages total and that’s it.

I have to wonder if I’ll even be told of my parents’ funerals when the time comes.

Needless to say I felt like shit and it spiralled downward from there. I was flooded with a deluge of unhappy memories and unwanted feelings of abandonment, rejection, hurt, anger, rage and resentment. Being excluded reinforced the perception I’ve had since childhood that I was bad and nobody wanted me around.

All the negative self-talk needed to be addressed if I was to stop brooding on the subject. Maybe they don’t want me around but it doesn’t mean I’m bad, it means they can’t or won’t accept the truth. And frankly, it’s their loss because I’m a pretty awesome person. I’m actually too nice to be thrown in with that lot. They lack empathy and understanding where I do not. Yes, I was emotionally abandoned as a child, rejected and hurt by my family and my peers but as an adult I comfort my younger self. I don’t need them. I allowed myself to feel the rage, anger and resentment. I reminded myself it’s okay to feel those things but not to stay there too long, I have a life and I had to get back to it.