My surgery date for my bladder sling is no longer some date in the future, it’s less than a week away and this shit’s getting real. I got call from the hospital and I have a series of phone appointments starting at noon on Monday, then I have to go for bloodwork Tuesday and the surgery is Wednesday.
My nervous system went into overdrive I started to shake and was on the verge of tears by the time I hung up. I want to smoke; I desperately want and need this surgery to work; I want to crawl back in bed and pull the covers over my head until next week; I want to lash out at my partner for “making me” quit smoking.
How am I coping? I don’t know that I am. I’m binge watching the cheery little series, The Handmaid’s Tale; the kitchen’s a mess; I’ve barely cooked anything; I haven’t showered in days; I haven’t painted anything or even prepared a canvas. The best I’ve been been able to do is quick meals, takeout and frozen pizza; and taking care of the dog I’m babysitting. The rest of the time I feel frozen on the couch, unable to move or function much beyond writing my blog.
I have a lot to do before the surgery; I need to make meals for the freezer for my partner and me; I have to clean up the kitchen; I have laundry to do; and I have to tidy the rest of the house. It sounds worse than it is, but I am overwhelmed.
I’m so grateful for the support I have around me, especially from my partner. He’s the reason I’m not completely bat shit crazy. He knows I how I’ve been feeling and has been trying to keep my spirits up, he gave me an early Christmas gift to cheer me up. It was the iPad I’ve been wanting. I’m grateful for friends reaching out to me with words of encouragement and lending me their strength. I know these feelings are temporary but they are so fucking hard to manage.
My Phoenix Rising 