Finally, A Date…

I finally have a date for my pubovaginal (bladder) sling surgery and put an end to my stress incontinence. I have a mixed incontinence issue which means I have accidents due to a sudden intense urge or if I cough or sneeze. Some women opt to simply live with it but I can’t. Every accident brings to mind my mother’s voice calling me names, and spanking me. Needless to say, having accidents holds a very negative connotation for me.

I have high hopes for this surgery. I had one years ago but it was a different kind of sling which has now basically come to the end of its life. That sling saved me ten years of embarrassment and humiliation. It eliminated my incontinence altogether. This next sling will be fashioned from my own fascia instead of using a plastic one, which I think will be better.

The date is coming up fast and I’ve got a lot of anxiety mixed in with the excitement. I feel like the high level of anxiety has to do with my mastectomy and reconstruction surgeries twenty-seven years ago. I’ve had other minor procedures in those twenty-seven years but I didn’t understand where the anxiety came from. Working with my therapist, I discovered that the mastectomy and reconstruction process were more traumatic to my system than I thought.

So here, in this one surgery, I am addressing my incontinence nightmares, and experiencing PTSD symptoms. It feels almost overwhelming so I try to think about how good it will feel to not have to worry if people can smell me; if they know my dirty little secret; to not have to worry about having major accidents while I’m out, and I start to feel a little better.

I need this surgery, and for it to be successful, for my mental health, however, the anticipation and anxiety aren’t doing my mental health any favours as I wait. And as if I didn’t have enough to deal with, I am also quitting smoking and it’s early in the process. I want a cigarette so damned badly.