My granddaughter is hitting the double digits on her birthday this year and I have arranged to be there for the big day. As joyous an occasion as it is, I am approaching the trip with a certain amount of trepidation.
I haven’t seen or spoken to my daughter in about a year, since we had a blow up just days before my granddaughter’s birthday. There have been a few text messages sporadically over the last year but that’s it.
I worked with my therapist to identify some specific areas of concern. My whole life I’ve been accused of things I didn’t do and so I find it very triggering. I agreed to not use cannabis (THC) during my visit and I worry I will be accused of doing so. I worry that my daughter’s scrutiny will set me off and I’ll lose my shit like I did last year. I also don’t want to be snide in general due to my own hurt feelings.
I anticipate that my daughter will closely scrutinize me and I need to figure out ways to stay regulated through it all. I will need to remind myself that my daughter is doing whatever she needs to do for herself; it has very little to do with me or how honest I am. But what if she vocalizes an accusation? How will I tolerate that particular trigger? The only thing I could do is stand by the truth which will be that I am not high. I can’t make her believe me so walking away without a major confrontation might be my only option.
Whether or not I’m snide with her is completely within my control. Behaving in such a way would be counterproductive. It would only serve to drive a deeper wedge between my daughter and me. I’ll need to keep a solid grip on the hurt me that wants to lash out, but how? I’ll need to pay special attention to my tone and the words I choose. I’ll need to ask myself if my behaviour is helpful or harmful. I will have to check in with my vulnerabilities; did I get enough sleep; what is my pain level; am I hungry; what is my overall mood? Taking care of any vulnerabilities will help control impulsive behaviour.
I could make all kinds of assumptions about why she still isn’t talking to me, for instance; maybe she is punishing me; or she doesn’t want me to be a part of her and my granddaughter’s lives; or her crazy cultish evangelical friends are influencing her to stay away from me because I insulted them. I could drive myself crazy ruminating and trying to figure it out. The best thing I can do for myself is stick strictly to the facts. The fact is that she told me back then, when we had our fight, that she had to distance herself from me as evidenced by the lack of communication from her. I don’t have any other facts, just assumptions.
Well, the date for my trip is fast approaching, wish me luck! I’ll write about how I make out.
My Phoenix Rising 