I am a smoker and have been since the tender age of eleven, I’ve been a smoker for forty plus years with the exception of about two years when I didn’t smoke. I have tried quitting at least a dozen times with varying degrees of short term success. One would think I’d be eager to quit considering it burns up about twenty dollars per day(which I cannot afford); it takes up a lot of my time; it comes between my partner and me (he hates smoking with a passion); and it eats away at my health. It’s the one substance that gets into every cell of your body. There is nothing good about smoking.
But quitting is hard, and for me, and the mental addiction feels stronger than the physical. There’s almost nothing I wouldn’t do when I run out of cigarettes. I’ve walked to the store in snowstorms; bummed smokes from strangers; borrowed money from friends; I’ve even picked up cigarette butts off the sidewalk (don’t judge me) out of desperation.
My long suffering partner is desperate for me to quit and brings it up frequently. I know how much he hates it and it has a negative effect on our relationship. I would like to quit for him and for the sake of our relationship but I keep smoking anyway. I think I am beginning to understand why.
I smoke sometimes out of habit when I don’t even really want a cigarette; after meals; before bed, first thing when I get up; before and after going into a store; before and after a task; when I’m stressed or emotional; when I’m bored. There isn’t a part of my day that isn’t touched by smoking and for so long it’s been my best friend.
After discussing this with my therapist I decided to write a pros and cons list and keep track of when I’m going out for smokes and why. This is so I can come up with a game plan to cut back and quit for good. For the record, I’m up to nearly a pack per day. I’ll keep you posted on my journey.
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My Phoenix Rising 