This Christmas Was…

I was a bit blue this Christmas because I miss my daughter and granddaughter. I miss the updates on how my granddaughter is doing, and the silly things she does to be funny. My daughter used to call me nearly every day but now, nothing for weeks.

I did talk to her in November and apologized for my part in our huge argument this fall. I did not handle things well. I was severely triggered and lost control of my emotions. I said some things I shouldn’t have so I swallowed my pride and reached out to her. She’s been avoiding talking to me since. She did send a text on Christmas day but that’s about it.

I’m struggling to give her the space she seems to need. It’s hard not to take my daughter’s absence from my life personally. I feel totally rejected but that may not be the reality. Maybe my daughter just isn’t able to talk to me right now because of her triggers and her mental health but it is so damned hard to keep that in mind.

On the flip side, I was elated that we were able to host my partner’s father and girlfriend on our first Christmas in the new house. They arrived Christmas Eve and were a big help with the cooking on Christmas Day. We had a few drinks, quite a few laughs. My partner’s father is so proud of him and it’s obvious. To see his son flourish and come out of his shell was a big deal.

Somewhere in the middle was the obligatory call to my parents on Christmas Day and another on New Year’s Day. I’m at a point where I can speak to them but on my terms. I don’t share anything personal with them anymore. I don’t let them see me, they don’t deserve the better parts of me so they get a cordial conversation about the weather. It always makes me a bit sad when I talk to them. I start to think about their disbelief of the molestation I endured at the hands of my older brother and so I cry a little every time. Why do I bother to call them at all, you ask. Because they are getting old, they are both in their eighties, and maybe I’m still hoping that one day they will see I’m not lying or making things up.

This Christmas was a mixed bag of emotions, some happy, some sad and I managed to get through the holidays without a single meltdown, and I’ll take that as a win.