I called my parents for the first time in months and the last time was just to talk about paying for counselling and I only spoke to my dad. This time was to give them my new address. My mother answered, as I expected, she was always the one to update things like that. We exchanged some pleasantries, she asked me how things were going and then she asked me about therapy.
That is when I felt a lump in my throat and tears burning in my eyes, I said it was going okay, dealing with things from my childhood has been hard. I told her I knew she would never believe me about my older brother. She said she was sorry. I’m not sure what she’s sorry for and didn’t bother asking. Is she sorry she’ll never believe me or is she sorry for all the crap in my childhood, or for something else? Digging into it with her would have been a no-win, I would have just been upset and deeply triggered more than I already was. I just reminded her of the reason for my call and then she asked if I wanted to talk to my father. I said if he wanted to talk to me I would talk to him. The conversation with my father was short and mostly small talk. I didn’t volunteer a lot of information, just basically answered his questions.
After I hung up the phone I cried a bit. I’ve been a little teary eyed today too. The conversation I had with my dad last year came back and invaded my thoughts. Him threatening to disown me and take me out of the will. All the cruel things he said about my life before. How I left that conversation feeling like a piece of shit. It took a lot to resist those thoughts and feelings talking to him had provoked.
This is why I practice coping skills when I am not in crisis, so I can be ready for any trigger that might come along. Yes, I was upset but I didn’t angry text him after, I didn’t get into it with him or my mother on the phone, and I was able to bring myself back from those invading thoughts and feelings every time they hit me.
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My Phoenix Rising 