More than once in my life I have seriously considered a permanent solution to all my problems, most recently back in 2017. I had reached a new low due in part to a poorly functioning thyroid added to a lifetime of trauma I had never dealt with. I felt unlovable, unworthy, and abandoned. Every mistake I had ever made was weighted with guilt and shame. Taking a bunch of sleeping pills with a bottle of wine looked like it was my only way out.
Back then I was drinking day and night, smoking more weed than Snoop Dogg just to dull the pain I felt. I barely left my bed, let alone my bedroom for about three months. I was eventually admitted to detox and treatment for addictions. I spent twenty-one days in the hospital and when I got out I went right back to smoking, smoking weed and drinking, though not quite as badly but still pretty excessive (I hardly drink at all anymore, incidentally, I still smoke weed for physical pain though).
I felt as though I’d lost everything; my partner and I were splitting up; my kids weren’t really speaking to me; I couldn’t afford to live on my own so I would have to to sell everything to move into a friend’s house. I didn’t think I had anything left to lose or anything left to live for.
One night, before I went to the hospital, I had been drinking and contemplating suicide, I counted out my prescription sleeping pills, there were thirteen. I wasn’t sure that would be enough to do the job so I decided to wait until I picked up my next refill. I swear it’s the only reason I’m still alive.
I wouldn’t have said so at the time but I’m glad I didn’t succeed. It has taken a few years of therapy but I feel like I have finally come out the other side. It was hard navigating a way out and most days I just stumbled around in the dark looking for the slightest hint of light.
So many women I know have experienced the desire to end their own lives at one time or another, some have even tried but are now glad they weren’t successful. It can be impossible to see when you are in the thick of it but nearly all problems are temporary and wounds can heal.
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My Phoenix Rising 