The Iceberg Rule

Consider the iceberg; about ninety percent of it is under water leaving only ten percent visible from the surface.

Revealing too much at once to someone I’ve just met has made me vulnerable to rumours and gossip among my so-called friends. It has also chased off some people who might have otherwise become good friends. I have a history of having poor boundaries and I would spill my guts to anyone who would listen. I would tell them my whole life story (mostly trauma) and if the other person had trauma too, we would bond over it. I felt rejected if the other person didn’t reciprocate by telling me all. Most “normal” people were put-off by these revelations and moved on.

I’ve learned to lead a conversation with my life as it is now but without tons of details, and to move forward with cautious curiosity. I open up little by little to people who take the same approach and we get to know each other and build trust. Then we can become good friends. It takes time and nurturing to build a friendship, it isn’t like; BAM! Nice to meet you, we’re the best of friends now so let me tell you about my life and you can tell me about yours.

I’ve learned the hard way that it is much better to leave parts of me concealed until a person enters my circle of trusted friends. I call it the iceberg rule. It can be hard to apply when I’m triggered and I feel compelled to explain my trauma response in great detail. In truth, I owe no one an explanation, I just need to manage my reaction.

The result has been fewer but better and more intimate friendships; a better and healthier relationship with my current partner than I’ve had with any other partner.