Sitting With Uncomfortable Emotions

I had to call my dad the other day to ask if he was still able and willing to help my pay for my continued therapy sessions. I had been dreading it for nearly two weeks before I finally made the call. I prepared myself, I prepared a script and imagined what I wanted my conversation to look like. I didn’t expect what actually happened.

Here’s a bit of history; my parents and the rest of my family practically ignored my kids their whole lives because of who their father is. My daughter’s forgiving on this but me, not so much. Still, I never wanted my relationship with my parents affect my daughter or son’s relationship with them. My son doesn’t speak to them but my daughter does. This Father’s Day, I reminded my daughter to call my dad as I do every year.

So, when I called my dad about therapy he mentioned my daughter called him on Father’s Day. Aside from the reason for my call, we talked about my daughter and granddaughter for a moment. As we talked I started to feel angry, I don’t believe my parents deserve to be in my daughter’s life but that’s the way she wants it and I support her.

A few months ago I would have lost my shit and told him exactly how I felt but not this time. I repressed the urge to tell him off and remind him of how they treated my son and daughter. How I had to frequently hear how nobody in my family liked my daughter and everybody thought my son was weird. I more or less stuck to the script and brought the conversation back to therapy.

The conversation ended and I shook and cried. I sat with some pretty uncomfortable emotions and did some breathing to calm myself. Getting into an altercation with my father would have solved nothing, it just would have made things worse for me. I’ve been down that road before and it has never worked out the way I wanted. I didn’t angry text him later either. No, it was better to sit with the uncomfortable emotions for a shorter period of time than I otherwise would have. My whole day wasn’t hijacked by negative thoughts and feelings.

Holding back and avoiding further conflict was not easy; refraining from sending angry messages to him was not easy but I did it and felt better for it. We have no control over the thoughts or feelings that pop up but we do have control over our actions. Changing my actions changed the way I felt and how long I felt that way; and my thoughts were changed from all the ways my family has hurt me to how to fill the rest of my day.

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