Excuses Or Circumstances?

On occasion I’ve had to ask myself if I was making excuses or if circumstances had a role to play in my poor decisions. Even though there is fine line between the two, there is a monumental difference. An excuse is a justification and implies an attempt to remove blame whereas circumstance is the sum of essential and environmental factors (as of an event or situation)-as per the Miriam-Webster Dictionary.

Self-reflection without judgement is important for me. It gives me an opportunity to sift through and separate excuses from circumstances; the without judgement is that hardest. Judgement just invites ruminating in harmful way. By judgement, I mean labelling something as either good or bad or judging myself to be a good or bad person because of X, Y, or Z.

In my mid-twenties I left (mentally) abusive ex-husband number one, I had a toddler and a baby in tow. I had a bilateral mastectomy the same year; and I ended up in another (physically) abusive relationship. The final straw to that one was when he beat me up in front of my kids. That’s when I called ex-husband number one to ask him to please come get the children until I could get myself back on track. Because of the wording of the agreement he had me sign I wasn’t able to get them back without spending thousands of dollars I didn’t have and potentially traumatizing my kids. Those were my circumstances at the time. The guilt gnawed at me for years until I could accept that. Anyone in my position might have done the same thing.

Visits with my children were few and far between as I lived in Ontario and the ex took them to New Brunswick to live. After my children were gone, I left the boyfriend and started drinking very heavily to dull the pain. I hid from my responsibility to heal at the bottom of a bottle. I used my feelings about my circumstances as an excuse. I can see that now, and I can see it without judging myself-at least most of the time. Over time my drinking stopped and I moved to New Brunswick with (mentally) abusive ex-husband number two and his daughter.

It’s a relief to be able to own up to my decisions and mistakes without making excuses or judging; and it’s a relief to be able to identify where circumstances played a more significant role. It’s a useful skill to have when building or repairing relationships; and exercising self-compassion.