When it comes to washing dishes I admit, I procrastinate, a lot. I always thought it was because I was just too lazy but that’s not the case. In one of my groups we talked about why we procrastinate in general and that is when I learned that procrastination has nothing to do with laziness. It’s the result of having negative emotions about a task or action. I’ve learned I have really negative feelings about washing dishes.
We all had chores when I was growing up, and instead of going to the barn (I didn’t want to go) like everyone else, my chore was to wash the dinner dishes. I had bladder control issues resulting in having accidents. Washing dishes could make me suddenly have to pee urgently, as running water can often do, and I had accidents more than once.
There was one time I was so afraid I would be punished for wetting myself that I deliberately broke a dish and scattered the fragments around the stool I was sitting on. I can’t be sure but I think it might have even been a dish from Mom’s good china set. It didn’t take a detective to see the broken dish on the floor was deliberate.
When my parents came back from the barn I was still on the stool with my wet pants, hoping they would see that I had an accident because I didn’t want to cut my feet on the broken dish. But because the the scene was quite obviously staged they could see through my bullshit. In end I was punished for both breaking the dish and having an accident.
Punishments for wetting myself are one source of my trauma and washing dishes is something that could lead me to wet myself. I also have too much time alone in my head to ruminate while scrubbing the pots and pans. And so I will let them pile up, and then it becomes an overwhelming task I avoid for a a couple more days.
I do get to them eventually but it can take a couple of hours to get them all done and put away. A couple of hours where I need to listen to music of a podcast or something that will sufficiently distract my mind. I’m grateful my partner is very understanding when I say we’re ordering in because of the kitchen.
My Phoenix Rising 