The people I meet must automatically like me and want to be my best friend or I will literally die right there on the spot. I know it sounds a bit dramatic but that is the feeling I get with every introduction.
Like everyone else in the world, I want to be accepted by my peers but I am hyper-sensitive to any form of rejection. I have a habit of internalizing it and taking it very personally. I don’t even have to like someone to need their acceptance. I believe it’s leftover effects from my youth when I was bullied mercilessly, plus the rejection I felt within my own family.
If I am not liked it means there is something wrong with me, that I am not likeable enough. I’m not pretty enough, slim enough, funny enough, I’m just not enough. Maybe I talk too much or too little, or maybe nobody cares about what I have to say. I know it is all negative self-talk in a voice that’s not my own but simply trying to ignore it doesn’t help me. I’ve tried, believe me. Responding to it is what helps me.
I take a deep breath and remind myself that I am likeable because I have a partner and friends who love me; and generally speaking, people like me when we meet. I recognize that I am not everyone’s cup of tea and there will be people who don’t like me. I also know there is nothing wrong with me, anyone who has been through what I have might have the same outcome in their lives. My disorders do not define me, I define me. This knowledge has kept me from drowning in feelings of inadequacy many times.
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My Phoenix Rising 