Part I left off in a place of pain and I expressed that I didn’t have a path forward to healing. Before I can forge a path to healing I feel like I need to identify what it is I need to walk away from. From my picture of the ideal family I so desperately crave? From my actual family? From all of the above? What is it I need to do in order to be free to protect, nurture and love my inner child?
I’ve written off my biological mother and most of her family, except for the one uncle I talk to once in a while. It’s painful but there’s no point in chasing someone who doesn’t want to have a relationship with me. It’s like ceasessly striving and getting nowhere.
Walking away from the mental picture I have of the ideal family looks like it might be a step in the right direction. To do that I would have to shatter the illusion that an ideal family even exists. There is no June and Ward Cleaver-like parents with an endless supply of patience; you never heard them yelling. No older sibling who shows you the ropes and forgives you every single arguement. Maybe I just need to abandon the idea that my parents and siblings could be like that for me. Families are not neat and tidy like they show on TV, the closest I’ve seen to reality is on Shameless but that’s an extreme in the other direction.
I always felt like an outsider, like I didn’t really belong with my family. On holidays and occasions I was the person sitting alone in the corner, since I wasn’t in anyone’s age group nobody really wanted anything to do with me so walking away from my relatives doesn’t feel like a stretch. Walking away from my siblings doesn’t seem like too much of a stretch either, we’ve never kept in touch, there’s no reason for me to start now. The status quo can stay where it is.
I used to stay in touch with my parents and visit often but since that terrible conversation with my father last June I’ve barely spoken to them and each time I did, I ended up in tears. I’ve come to believe they will never validate my experiences or my feelings, it would mean admitting they were wrong about so many things and I don’t think they can do that. At this point in time it may be in my best interest to suspend communication with them for a while longer. I don’t feel ready considering every time I think about talking to them I get an angry feeling in my whole body. and it takes a bit to calm my nerves.
Still no clear path to healing but I’m still working it out and I’ll get there.
My Phoenix Rising 