It’s been about a week since I posted anything and it’s been three days since I worked on anything for my blog. I’ll be frank, it’s been a two steps back kind of week, the non-linear messy part of healing and I’ve been in dumps.
I made myself quite vulnerable to my biological daughter whom my parents adopted and I received her reply and now I feel like I’ve been punched in the gut. We discussed boundaries on both sides in order for us to move forward with a relationship. I can respect hers, I don’t care who in the family she stays in touch with, including the lying coward also known as my older brother, but I also don’t want to hear about their lives.
It’s important to me that she believes me about what the lying coward did to me years ago, as nobody in the family did back then or now, apparently. I felt like she gaslit me by saying that she believes that I believe it happened but she couldn’t say if she actually believed me because she wasn’t there. I told her a relative I was and am close to was there and believes me, she knows how the family was back then, and now my biological daughter needs time to think.
I don’t have issues with her needing time to think about our respective boundaries but it indicates that she thinks I could and would lie about something like that. I’ve felt heartborken since and that familiar negaitive dialogue has take up residence in my head. I’ve been struggling with feeling worthy, loveable, understood, safe and valued as a human being. I’ve been questioning any talent I may have to write, or sculpt, or paint. I feel like it is all crap despite the reassurances of my partner and everyone else who has liked my “works”.
It’s been hard for me to face these past few days, the dishes are piling up, laundry should be done, I haven’t excercised like I planned, I’ve barely even cooked and though I have been trying to distract myself with some tv shows and video games it has only marginally helped. My province being in a lockdown for the past few weeks amplifies my dark mood even though weather has been mostly favourable.
I want to crawl back in bed and pull the covers over my head until forever passes on by.
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My Phoenix Rising 