I have been reading this book called Boundaries, Where You End and I Begin by Anne Katherine. I was everywhere in those pages, she might as well have been writing about me. My boundaries are all over the place and sometimes there are none at all. I don’t always recognize boundaries in others, I literally have to be told. Other times I’m just as poor respecting them in others as I am setting them for myself.
Growing up I wasn’t really allowed to have boundaries and so I never learned how to develop them. What happened was I would lose myself in my relationships. I picked up characteristics of my partners until I no longer existed. Their friends became my friends and I had no friends seperate from the relasionships.
Boundaries with friends were also practically non existent. I guess the best way I could describe what having no boundaries with friends is: I left the bathroom door wide open while taking a big smelly messy noisy poop. Mind you, if a boundary of mine was crossed I would just get super angry but not understand why. I didn’t know I had boundaries and didn’t know how to handle it when they weren’t respected. I just lashed out like a hurricane spinning in all directions. It’s not something I gave a lot of thought to until I read this book.
I learned my boundaries with my children were too rigid and I was too distant. Now that my children are adults they are dealing with the fallout of the parenting they received and we are healing our relationships. It took a lot of work and self-acceptance to get to a point where I could recognize my own shortcomings as a parent without sending myself on an immense guilt trip (sometimes I still do though). In the present I can at least focus my attention on doing better as a grandparent and give the little ones a safe environment to explore and set their boundaries.
I’m figuring out how to set and manage my boundaries and it isn’t easy. People may get upset with me but their feelings are not my responsibility (boundary!). It’s hard speaking up and saying, “I don’t want to do that”, or “This is where I draw the line” but necessary for me to become a healthier person.
I’m also working on accepting boundaries of others. A friend suddenly stopped talking to me some time ago. I tried reaching out to her for a long time until she finally told me she had no desire to be friends anymore and did not want to discuss why. It drove me nuts not knowing why but she threw up a boundary and I wanted to show her I’d grown so I’ve respected her boundary and haven’t tried reaching out to her again.
In my my relationship with my partner I have kept up my own interests and kept my friends. He has his own interests and friends too. He and I aren’t even friends on any social media, there’s no need, he hates social media and we live together.
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My Phoenix Rising 