Integrity

Integrity is,( in the case of personal integrity), the practice of being honest and showing a consistent and uncompromising adherence to strong moral and ethical principles and values. In ethics, integrity is regarded as the honesty and truthfulness or accuracy of one’s actions….Wikipedia

For the past few days I have been feeling very activated (CPTSD) and disregulated (BPD), and in stark contrast to years past I have been able to voice what I’m feeling rather than self-destruct. I don’t really know or understand why this has been happening but I guess it doesn’t matter all that much. The point is I feel as though my dark emotions are on the brink of taking over. I feel shaky and weepy, restless and all out of sorts.

Working with the clay will help, I thought, it’s something I have been enjoying. I also recalled some of my training from group therapy. One of the things suggested to us was to change the negative internal dialogue we surely have going on. I started trying to make a mental list of positive compassionate things to say to myself so as to avoid going too far down that rabbit hole but was struggling.

During this time I crossed the street, found the clay I needed and was paying for it at the cash when I looked down and spotted a five dollar bill on the floor. I picked it up and without even thinking, handed it to the cashier and said, “Oh, I guess someone dropped five bucks on the floor.”

The cashier thanked me and put it aside in case a customer came back for it as she did just have a cash transaction before me. It wasn’t until I left the store that I realized there’s a positive thing I could say about myself, I have integrity.

I have integrity and I know this because I will turn in found money. I love this sentence structure . The first part of the sentence is positive thing you would say about yourself and the second part claims it, owns it and provides the evidence. I __________________ and I know this because _____________________________.

It wouldn’t matter if it was five dollars or five hundred dollars, keeping something that isn’t mine doesn’t feel right to me. I also know that on a tight budget even five dollars counts and that if it was me, I’d need that five dollars (in fact I could have used it today). I felt better having that one positive thing in my pocket as evidenced by my recent action.