My son cut me out of his life a couple of years ago. I think it was because I was pushing him to get some therapy and an assessment to find out if he actually had Aspbergers. He flat out refused and got very upset with me. Then his girlfriend, who has her own mental health issues, and I had some words. My son demanded I apologize to her and hasn’t spoken to me since. He now has a little boy and an infant girl, I met my grandson once during the visit where I had that talk with my son, his daughter hadn’t even been conceived at that time.
My son has always had some behavioural issues but he didn’t exhibit those behaviours when he was with me (I was the accessing parent) so I really couldn’t discipline for those. About all I could do was talk to him and hope for the best. He had a temper and sometimes it was manifested in a physical way at home with his dad and sister. There was no physical violence in my home and I tried to shelter them from my marital issues as much as I could.
But here he is now, an adult with a girlfriend and two kids, few interpersonal skills, not employable, and in trouble with the law. The children have been taken from the home because a witness reported seeing him choke his girlfriend through a window and my son will be charged; my son and his girlfriend lost their low income housing and are now living on the back forty of nowhere; my son has been charged with sexual touching of a person under sixteen, sexual enticement of a person under sixteen and sexual assault
It breaks my heart to watch all of this from the sidelines, to have to google search for his court dates, to know the children are with their other great grandmother who doesn’t really want them and that I do not have the physical ability or financial means to take them on myself.
As a mother, I feel I have failed miserably, not to mention the fact that I am a multiple sexual assault and domestic violence survivor so; that my son has been accused of this; knowing from experience that charges aren’t even laid unless a prosecutor feels they can win; all of this triggers me immensly. I’m not sure I could show up at court even if he wanted me to.
This girl, if my son is guilty of what he’s accused of, this girl will have to live the rest of her life with some kind of trigger around what happened. It’s inevitable. She will need to work through all the emotions that come with being sexually assaulted. I can definitely identify and empathize with her and I truly believe someone who sexually assaults someone else needs to be held accountable. The victim needs justice, believe you me, no justice equals no closure; this I also know from experience.
How do I, as a mother, deal with all this? I”ll let you know as soon as I figure it out. For the time being I still talk to my therapist once a week, I take my medications as prescribed and continue with my art projects, wrting projects and trying new mediums for self-expression. I’m naturally inclined to beat my self up mercilessly and list all the things that made me a terrible mother, every single little thing I did wrong.
Thankfully, I have Dialectical Behavioural Therapy and a Day Treatment Program (mostly for people with Borderline Personality Disorder, chronic drepression and anxiety disorders) both under my belt and I still continue with one on one therapy for that and my CPTSD. I’m also grateful for my partner, his love and support carries me through the toughest days. The best I can do for today is put it all out to the universe and relinquish any desire to control the outcome of this situation.
My Phoenix Rising 