Adoption-Giving Up Your Child
I am an adoptee (from birth) and I have given a child up for adoption. Having experienced both ends of adoption I am in a uniquely qualified position to give some perspective on both.
Six months after my abortion I got pregnant again. It was an antibiotic thing again but this time I had been faithful to my boyfriend (same one as before) and not sexually assaulted so I knew who the father was. He and I broke up but for reasons other than my pregnancy, I wasn’t a very good girlfriend, and I ended up jumping right into an abusive relationship with a loser. Sometime in my seventh or eighth month of pregnancy I moved home (I was still in a different province). I was living with my parents in the maritimes when I went into labour. I gave birth to a little girl. I had already started the process of giving her up in a closed adoption through social services. I left my baby in the hospital for a week when it was time to leave but I visited her every day. The extra week in the hospital was a grace period where the mother can change her mind. And I did, I just couldn’t say good-bye.
I brought my daughter home and with my parents’ financial support I gave being a mother a shot. My mother took over quite a bit. It made me feel so incompetent, like I couldn’t get my own baby to stop crying or figure out what she needed. I wanted to be a good mother to this sweet little angel but I was not in a good place.
There’s a lot that happened within the first six months of my daughter’s life. Suffice it to say that I had gone back to that other province and left my baby with my parents. The plan was to bring her out to live with me after I got settled with my boyfriend. Things got violent and I thanked my lucky stars my baby was not with me. For her protection I asked them to have a custody arrangement of some kind but my parents had adoption papers drawn up instead. I signed them, I knew I wasn’t in a stable position to be a parent. It was really hard watching my parents raise her and without saying anything. Sure I could see her every day if I wanted to (I did move out of my parents’ home after signing the papers) but that meant I could not acknowledge her as mine. I had to listen to her call them Mom and Dad. I regretted giving her up but shudder to think of where we would both be if I had made a different decison back then.
I stand by my decision to give my baby up (with the regret and all) but I can’t help but wonder if it would have been better for my mental health if she was raised by people I did not know. It got harder as she grew to hide her parentage from strangers as people began to notice quite a resemblance between her and me; plus everyone around knew this big family secret.
My Phoenix Rising 