Unplanned Pregnancy, Part I

The Choices We Have

I was eighteen the first time I got pregnant. I was on the pill but had also taken antibiotics and did not know how they affected the pill. I was scared, unsure of what to do next. You see, at eighteen I was naive and horny and had been fooling around on my boyfriend who I lived with. I was also sexually assaulted in the same timeframe. I had no easy choice but I had to make a decision and fairly quickly.

What were my options? I could give the baby up for adoption; I could terminate the pregnancy; or I could have the baby and raise him/her. Each solution posed its own unique set of unique challenges and I was the one who would have to live with the consequences. Not my boyfriend, or the guy I fooled around with or the guy who raped me, not my parents or my boyfriend’s parents, I and I alone would have to live with the consequences of my decision permanently.

I thought giving the baby up for adoption meant I would end up wondering where he or she was and wouldn’t be able to let go. I was concerned that the child would grow up with many of the same feelings I had: abandonment; resentment; sadness; anger; and some I just haven’t found a name for. It meant I would have this human grow inside of me to just give him/her away.

I knew my boyfriend would not want to raise a child fathered by the guy I fooled around with, he would not want to raise the child of a rapist, and honestly, neither would I. I settled on terminating the pregnancy. It felt like the best option for me at the time. I underestimated how much emotional baggage it would create.

So, let’s talk abortion first, there’s not a whole lot I have to say about it other than it sucked. I cried for days before and years after. Being raised Catholic coupled with the fact I was the family scapegoat gave me an overdeveloped sense of guilt and shame and so I was unprepared for the emotional turmoil which ensued. I had a really hard time living with what I had done until I finally learned to show my younger self a little compassion.

Not everyone will experience these feelings, some women won’t think twice about it. This is not a judgement, I support a woman’s right to choose whether or not to terminate her pregnancy 100% and maintain that she does not owe me or anyone else an explaination. A decision like this is all about what she can live with.