Singularly Utterly Completely Alone

One New Year’s Eve I experienced what may very well be the best way to describe the word alone. I was in weird place and in a polyamorous relationship with a married couple. They dragged me out for the night. We danced and mingled but my heart really wasn’t into it. The clock finally struck twelve and I swear every single living soul in the bar was making out with their partners, including my date(s), but I was not. I tried to shrink back into the shadows and find comfort in the drink in my hand.

One would think I’d be used to it after years of being the kid who didn’t get any Valentine’s day cards or invitations to parties. I was often left out of fun activities, even in the youth group I had joined.

How many of us have had the same striking feeling of aloneness and abandonment. Often an accompanying feeling of being about as out of place as a beautful steak dinner served on garbage can lid? In the scenario, the people, are like the steak dinner and I, well I’m the lid. I’m not a part of the feast even though I’m right there. Not only am I not a part of the feast, I am the least attractive presentation of something that is otherwise fantastic. I watch the steak dinner get devoured from the underside wishing that I could join in with the revelers or at the very least be blissfully unaware there is even a steak dinner at all.

Alone isn’t always a bad thing. I can take the time to recharge and relax; maybe have a hot bath with some epsom salts and candles and my thoughts; reflect on my day and meditate. That’s the kind of solitude where I feel safe, warm and at peace. It helps the creative process. But the other one, the dark one can suck the life right out of me.

When isolation feels cold and dark I try to turn my attention inward and practice self-care. It can be hard when I feel like my existance is so wrong in so many ways. Yoga became a big part of my life, I listen to tons of music or get creative, I do things to make myself feel like I am a part of the universe, a part of the overall human experience even if it is just making a stupid dentist appointment. If I am successful the aloneness isn’t so crushingly dark.