This was an expression my grandfather used to describe me when I was a child, if only jokingly. My young brain literally pictured a cat with a very long tail trying to navigate her way to the exit of a room full of rocking chairs without getting her tail wound around the rocking parts of the chairs. Anxiety like this can be debilitating and manifest in strange ways.
When I first moved to the Maritimes I refused to drive in my new city for just over a year. I spent an hour on on the bus each way to work whereas my car could have gotten me there in about fifteen minutes. My partner at the time was the designated driver every time we went out. I did eventually start driving and slowly increased my travel ring but I was still nervous and fearful of other drivers. I took the long way to work rather than the much shorter, much more congested route, which added about twenty minutes to my travel time. I didn’t take the shorter route until one day I overslept and it was the only way I’d get to work on time. I gulped air and my hands had a death grip on the steering wheel. I made it but it took me the whole morning to calm down after that experience. From that day on I would take the shorter route if my hours were off peak traffic hours until I finally became comfortable with the shorter route.
I am a very cautious driver, obviously, but I was once pulled over for failing to stop at a stop sign. I had actually stopped before proceeding through the intersection however there was a bush blocking the cop’s view of my complete stop. I didn’t have extra money for a fine I didn’t deserve so I decided to fight it, plus my (then) husband insisted. My day in court came and I hoped against hope the cop wouldn’t show up but he did. His testimony consisted of a weather report and commentary on the spring bloom. The crown prosecutor was clearly getting frustrated with him and turned him over to me (I represented myself). I was shaking like a leaf on a tree as I asked him a couple of questions which he had trouble answering or couldn’t remember certain details. The crown prosecutor leaned over to me and said I didn’t have to keep going she was going to drop the ticket but then the judge interrupted and threw it out anyway. Coming down from that adrenaline rush took the better part of the day. My heart refused to stop pounding, I felt shaky and unsteady and the nervous energy contained within could have powered a small town. If it wasn’t for my (then) husband I would have just paid the $300.00 fine and let them give me demerit points on my lisence for two years.
My anxiety feels like being stuck in fight, flight or freeze all the time. It manifests itself in avoidance of even simple things like making a doctor’s appointment or taking my glasses in for warranty repair; it can make me irritable to the point I yell at the dishes if I can’t find the utensil or dish I need right away; my insides definitely do not match my outsides and by that I mean I may have the appearance of being serene and steady but I shake on a molecular level. Sometimes my anxiety yeilds some pretty funny results like jumping at the sound of an explosion in a movie or a loud vehicle on the street.
So, how have I been able to manage to handle my anxiety and work in customer service, or hospitality or retail? Often out of necessity. I needed to work to survive, we all do; I needed to take the jobs I could get in a lean job market; and I needed to focus on the task immediately in front me. I have learned to remind my body that there is no emergency and there will be plenty of time to freak out later. I will even make an appointment with myself for a convenient date and time to worry. I often miss my appointments but I feel like that means the strategy is working to get me through the really tough moments.
My Phoenix Rising 